Are You Still Living in the Past?

A couple of years ago, I traveled to New Jersey to give a talk at a divorce conference.

I had been divorced for several years and written a memoir about it, so people started asking me to share my story. The retreat center was only an hour from Philadelphia. That’s where my former brother-in-law Jason lived.

By this point, I had started dating a woman with the intention of seeing if it would lead to marriage. But part of me wanted to contact Jason because I was so close to Philly. Just see how he’s doing. How are his kids, his work, his ministry?

When my former wife and I divorced, there were no hard feelings between me and her family. I didn’t speak with her anymore. We had no children together and no real reason to stay in touch. But I liked her family. I liked Jason. We were still Facebook friends. In a way, I guess I felt like her family was still mine.

So I arrived in New Jersey and checked out what free time I’d have. Maybe I’d give Jason a call and see if he wanted to meet up for a Philly cheesesteak and a friendly chat. My guess was that he would be open to it. But then…

Then I started thinking about my new girlfriend. How would she feel about that?

If I was her, how would I feel about that? If she was divorced and going out of town and wanted to meet up with her former in-law, how would that make me feel?

I had no intention of contacting my ex. I just thought it would be cool to catch up with Jason. However harmless my intentions were, though, what might that feel like for my new girlfriend?

And then it got me thinking. Why did I want to meet up with Jason? What would be the point? We might have a nice chat, but… would it be worth it? Was it worth possibly making my current girlfriend insecure or upset? And was I still maybe holding on to some people, to some things, that were not a part of my life anymore?

Without realizing it, I had hit a crucial crossroads.

Was I still living in the past? Or ready to make a clean break into the future?

The weekend passed and I gave my talk at the divorce conference. Afterward, I had a whole Sunday left to do whatever I wanted before I flew back home. Would I call Jason? 

Here I was giving a talk about moving on after divorce and it occurred to me: I hadn’t fully moved on. I was still holding on to a piece of my past. Jason is a good guy and we probably would have had a nice meet-up. But it was not necessary. In fact, it might cause damage to my new relationship. I decided not to contact him.

That weekend was another step in my letting go.

If you truly hope to move on to something new, sometimes you have to make a hard break.

Sever everything.

Not that I don’t still like Jason and pray for him and wish him well. But I didn’t need to hang out with him anymore.

God had blessed me with something new. A new person with the potential for a new life. I suddenly realized I did not want to jeopardize that. I had to put my new girlfriend before my old life. I had to give the future a chance.

If you are still holding on to pieces of your past, consider making the break and letting them go. Of course, if you have children with your former spouse, you will always have a connection to them. But even then, you can make a choice to cut your old life loose and move forward, unhindered, into what God has for you now.

Like I said, I did not call Jason that weekend. I flew home and continued pursuing my relationship with my new girlfriend. Not calling Jason was an act of respect and love for her. And today me and that woman are married. 

But what if I had made that call? What if I had reengaged with my former spouse’s family? It might have caused a lot of problems for the new relationship that God had blessed me with. I’m glad I didn’t do it.

I wish Jason well. I wish my former spouse and in-laws well. But I don’t need to be in their lives anymore.

I have a new life now. And I have to be a good steward of that life and protect it. 

When a man who wanted to follow Jesus asked him if he could first go and bury his father, Jesus said: “Follow me, and let the dead bury their dead” (Matthew 8:22). Jesus wasn’t being insensitive or cruel. He was saying that if you want to follow him, you have to leave the past behind. 

So if you’re in a situation like I was that weekend, try to move forward. Leave what’s dead behind. Cut the past loose and follow Jesus. He always wants what’s best for us. Don’t allow what’s behind to rob you of what’s ahead.