On Loving Those Who Fall Away

Life is often an unexpected journey.

When I moved to Los Angeles in the late 90’s, the first thing I noticed in my new roommates’ fireplace was a paperback copy of Joshua Harris’s I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Even back then, my roomies recognized that Harris’s ideas about love and courtship were a bit wonky.

Fast forward two decades, and Joshua Harris has recanted many of the ideas he espoused in his bestselling book. Not only that, he separated from his wife of more than twenty years. On top of that, he says he is no longer a Christian. 

Musician Derek Webb, who helped form the Christian band Caedmon’s Call, also publicly abandoned his faith a couple years ago. He continues to write and sing about his “divorce” from God.

Obviously, I cannot speak for people like Harris and Webb. They are on their own journeys and they have their reasons. We can assume those reasons are sincere and complex. But my guess is that, on some level, their rejection of the Christian faith is actually more of a reaction to bad experiences they’ve had, or bad ideas they’ve been taught. 

As Venerable Fulton J. Sheen said: “There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.”

I have experienced the truth, goodness, and beauty of being a Catholic Christian. I have also been let down by Christians I admired and trusted. 

We love our heroes. When they fall, we often feel it personally.

I used to find great comfort and inspiration in Derek Webb’s poetic, poignant lyrics. I still do, even if the man who wrote them claims not to believe what he wrote anymore. As a Christian, it was sad for me to see Webb renounce the faith. 

So how do we respond when our heroes let us down? I remind myself of three things.

1. People will disappoint. 

Everyone is human. Despite their best intentions, they will inevitably make mistakes. This shouldn’t surprise us. We should expect it. At some point, we will all do it. When I got divorced, some of my Christian friends were disappointed in me. I couldn’t make my marriage work, so they saw me as a “bad Christian.” But the reason we will all disappoint is because…

2. People are not God. 

People are just people. We can look to them for companionship, inspiration, and love, among other things. But our faith can’t be in them. Our faith must always be in God, the only perfect Person who exists. Of course, we may feel disappointed with God sometimes too, but that’s not because he is not perfect. In my experience, disappointment with God usually comes from my own faulty expectations or because I didn’t get something I wanted. But God always knows and wants what’s best for us. 

3. People need prayer and compassion. 

What do we do when someone we look up to, love, and respect lets us down or turns their back on the faith? Jesus is our model for how to treat them. We don’t judge, gossip, or condemn. Instead, we continue to love them, and we pray for them. We must also respect their choice not to follow the faith. 

In the Gospel of Mark, a young man asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to obey the commandments. The young man senses there’s something else he must do. “And Jesus looking upon him loved him, and said to him, 'You lack one thing; go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.' At that saying his countenance fell, and he went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions.” (Mark 10: 21-22).

Notice, Jesus loved the man. When the man chose not to follow him, Jesus let him go. He respected the man’s decision, even if it broke his heart. 

That’s what me must do, too. Love those who have walked away from God. Pray for them. And trust that the Spirit is still working in their lives; and in God’s mysterious economy of salvation, there is always hope.