How to Heal After a Break-Up

Too often during late night girl talks I have heard the impossible statement, “I just want to get over him.”

There is no doubt about it; there is no easy answer as to how to move on from someone you have loved. However, I have found there to be one thing that, for me, consistently made a huge difference in the process of moving on. And that was the realization that there is nothing wrong with me.

Relationships, though wonderful, also have the ability to become dangerously all-consuming. When this happens, it is possible to feel that you have lost a large part of yourself when you lose your significant other. A break up brings with it a lot of tears, plenty of nights watching Drew Barrymore films (I am partial to Enchanted), and a whole army of questions surrounding self-doubt and identity. What could I have done differently? Why did he stop loving me? What is wrong with me?

There have been so many times when I have looked in the mirror in the months post break up and wondered, “How will I ever start over again? How am I going to come back from this?” Well, each time I have wavered, God has somehow showed me that the only way to come back is to come back to myself.

This doesn’t have to be monumental. It can be as simple as making the choice to go out with friends instead of staying in, or to motivate yourself to start going to the gym again. Or maybe you need to pick up the paintbrush or the violin again, if you are an artist or musician who hasn’t felt inspired lately.

Maybe you love to bake but haven’t had much of a sweet tooth since he left. My advice is to bake that cake and play that instrument. Failed relationships are so personal and so painful, it is sometimes easier to beat yourself up than to look at the whole picture. But to think self deprecating thoughts, or to spend hours analyzing all the little moves you made that potentially broke the relationship, does nothing but keep yourself stagnant. The very nature of moving on implies action.

Newsflash: you are going to think about him/her. A lot. And getting over it is going to be a slow process. But imagine that you are in a swamp, and to get to the other side, you must climb through a whole lot of heavy mud and snapping crocodiles. If you are on your hands and knees crawling through that mess, how long is it going to take you? How many times are you going to get bitten by a croc?

Now imagine what it would be like to stand up and confidently walk through that mud. God always gives us the tools to get to the other side of swamps, but the key to making it is to remember who you are. He does not want us to spend days thinking, “I must not have called her enough. I must not have been generous enough. I must not have been a good partner. That must have been what was wrong with me.”

Maybe you did make mistakes in that relationship. Actually, you probably did—no one is perfect. Your ex probably made mistakes too. But that doesn’t mean there is something innately wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean you deserve to spend days, weeks, months, or years beating yourself up for something that didn’t work out. There are beautiful things about all of us, and failed relationships can often act as a blinder. We look at the negative instead of the positive. The key to moving on is to do the opposite—remember the good. Not necessarily about the relationship (although if that helps, go for it), but about yourself.

Take a minute and think about all of the things you enjoy. For example, say you are a an artist. That is part of who you are.

Now, think about what this means. Artists are typically creative and insightful.

Next, think about the value of that. Creativity often goes hand in hand with fun and adventure. To be insightful is to have an interesting perspective.

Wouldn’t you want to date someone who likes to have fun and brings a new point of view to the table?

Moving on is not entirely about moving on from a person—it is about moving into a new chapter of self love. In order to have a happy and healthy relationship, both parties should love and celebrate who they are.

To break up is to be in pain. But starting over is to be reborn. A failed relationship is never easy, and to finally feel at peace with an ending is always difficult. But the day that you can wake up and say, “This was not my fault” or “I love who I am” is the day that you have started to heal.