Are You the Reason You Haven't Met the One?

I once knew a woman who always thought everything was her fault. She would apologize for freak circumstances that were beyond her control as if she had personally set the earth in motion. She would apologize for the weather as if she had commanded the sky to stir up a storm. She would apologize for a person getting lost on the way to her house as if she was driving the car or directing the GPS. This wasn’t apologizing out of courtesy. In reality, she truly believed that if it went wrong - it was her fault.

We all know at least someone like this. They blame all troubles on their own inadequacies. Their negative inner-voice speaks loudly. Their self-worth is in constant doubt. When it comes to dating failures, they lose hope because they think no one could ever love them. Even if they do find someone, they live in fear of that person finding out the truth: they are unworthy of love. In their constant fear and insecurity, they sabotage their relationships until they are secured in the truth that they will never find anyone to share a lifetime.

This view, however, does not reflect the truth that God made us out of love in His image and likeness. We are God’s children and we are worthy of love, regardless of any sin or defect. The time spent on blaming ourselves for every failure in our life is not honest. As Fr. Jacques Philippe points out in his book Interior Freedom, “A great deal of time can be wasted in the spiritual life complaining that we are not like this or not like that, lamenting this defect or that limitation, imagining all the good we could do if, instead of being the way we are, we were less defective, more gifted with this or that quality or virtue, and so on. Here is a waste of time and energy that merely impedes the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts.”

How many of us have suffered from this tendency? So much time is spent wasted on self-loathing. While Fr. Philippe speaks specifically about our spiritual life, this can be applied to searching for a spouse:

• “No one looks at my profile because I’m boring.”
• “I can’t get a date because I make people feel uncomfortable.”
• “There’s no point in putting up a picture. I’m ugly.”

So many of us take on a defeated point of view that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But the truth is that each of us holds value because we are sons and daughters of God. And the truth of our value and worth exists regardless of our vocation in life.

It's Your Fault I'm Still Single

On the opposite spectrum from those that think everything is their fault are the people that think nothing is their fault.  When it comes to the search for a spouse it can sound something like this:

• "I’m not married because no one says yes when I ask them out on a date."
• "I’m not married because the church does nothing for singles."
• "I’m not married because our society no longer values marriage."
• "I’m not married because (the opposite sex) is evil."

For these people, they cannot find a spouse because there are forces at work that make it impossible: be it the church, society, or ahem, a particular dating site. The fact that they cannot find a spouse has nothing to do with their personalities, lack of initiative, or angry disposition. They are not aware of any personal defects. They don’t understand why someone would not want to marry them. They are perfect! Everyone else can certainly learn from their example.

Those who blame others for everything often have a hardened heart. When everyone else is impeding their progress in love, why would they stoop to love them? Fr. Philippe writes, “What often blocks the action of God’s grace in our lives is less our sins or failings, than it is our failure to accept our own weakness…We refuse to admit that we have this defect, that weak point, were marked by this event, fell into that sin. And so we block the Holy Spirit’s action, since he can only affect our reality to the extent we accept it ourselves.”

As Fr. Philippe points out, we all have our failings, but do we have the strength to recognize them? While some of us may have to overcome more challenges than others, the grace is always available to conquer those difficulties. The first step is recognizing the part we play in our failings, and asking God for the grace to overcome. And with this grace, God will work on our hearts and those layers that have hardened over time will soften. When we let God into our hearts, He can work amazing miracles.

So if we want God to work on our hearts, we must ask ourselves if we are prone to either of these tendencies: blaming ourselves or blaming others. While they are complete opposites, both of these positions are harmful because they are tactics for avoiding change. They are impediments to allowing grace to work in our lives. Neither are true. As Fr. Philippe points out, “They are a refusal of reality, rooted in lack of faith in God and lack of hope, which produces a lack of love. Thus we are closed to grace, and God’s action is prevented.”

Are You the Reason You Haven’t Met the One?

With this in mind, here are some questions to ask yourself sincerely:

• Are you doing everything you can to meet your spouse?
• Have you set up a profile, but haven’t touched it since?
• Do you skip the diocesan singles event because it is uncomfortable?
• Are you afraid to ask that guy out because he might say no?
• Do you have trouble meeting Catholics locally but refuse to consider a long distance relationship?
• Are you angry at the opposite sex and see every encounter with them as an opportunity to wage battle?
• Are you negative, critical, fearful, overly eager, needy, closed off?
• Do you email every person “Hey baby, let’s chat.” and then wonder when no one responds back?
• Do you refuse to forgive a past hurt even though it is impeding your ability to commit?
• Do you play games with people, giving them mixed signals, when you have no intention of committing?
• Do you think that you are unlovable?
• Do you allow people to take advantage of you because you do not want to be alone?
• Do you place standards above the people you meet and fault-find until no one can match up?
• Do you have no standards and repeatedly get hurt?

Look back and reflect on the dating failures in your past. As you reflect on these, it’s important to realize that sometimes two people do not connect because they are not a good match. So there may be cases where you can sincerely conclude “this person was not right for me.” But for the rest, what role did you play? If you have trouble getting a date, focus on your delivery, behavior, or manners and see if there is an area that you can work on. Try to be completely honest. Ask a trusted friend or family member for charitable feedback. Most importantly spend time in prayer. Ask for the grace to move forward, to learn from past mistakes, to let go of doubt, and to overcome self-sabotaging behavior. It can be extremely painful to examine our own failings, but we will never regret allowing God to transform our lives.