How to Fight Comparison in Relationships

8

It happens often, to everyone.

Or, it can.

Some are better at ignoring it, better at discerning that it is not the voice from Christ when you find yourself doubting if you really have it as you should, or if you are getting duped in some way. Others are not, and it’s okay if you find yourself in the latter group of people. This post is especially for you if you do.

When it comes to our romantic relationships, comparison is everywhere. If we aren’t seeing it on social media we are hearing about it from others, either directly or through friends or friends of friends. Even strangers! I have caught myself comparing my relationship to a stranger’s before. I didn’t know their names, their history, even their current dating status. And yet I felt my relationship should look more like theirs, even when I didn’t know what theirs looked like.

Can you relate?

It is a very common trap to fall into: comparing your romantic relationship—to your friends’ and even strangers' relationships. If not through the various forms of social media, perhaps over text, or in person, or secretly to yourself. And it can start from jealousy, or catch you by surprise, or even from asking for advice from a friend on how to handle something with the person you are dating.

Our different experiences pop up everywhere! They always will. But, it is important to remember that you are not your friend. Your partner is not their partner. And your relationship will never look like someone else’s, because it simply isn’t!

Each relationship you know has its strengths and its weaknesses, whether you see those tangibly or not, because the two individuals bring those to the table in their choice to date one another. A true gift of dating is that the other person is different from you in a way that (given a happy, healthy relationship) brings complementarity to the partnership. Through surface-level differences, like personality, hobbies, and passions, and through more concealed differences, like how they should care, how they express themselves in love, and how they apologize when they are wrong.

I think the trap we can fall into is that “their” strengths will take over any of “our” weaknesses, that if we had what we see other people supposedly having, things would be better.

It’s a huge assumption. It’s a big weight, too, to put on yourself for that to be true.

Here are some tips for putting that weight down, in picking up freedom instead; helpful truths to keep in mind in fighting comparison:

If you want something to be different in how you two communicate, the first step in making that change is communicating.

It can be easy to see another couple showing love or affection or forgiveness in a way that you also want in your relationship, getting upset it’s not like that, and leaving it at that. However, you are allowed to communicate with your partner about how you want to be shown love and forgiveness, just as they are to you. It’s actually the only way that change in communication will happen between you two, if you communicate it!

The first step in changing how you want a form of communication to be in your relationship, from something as simple as public shows of affection or something deeper like apologizing after a fight, is to communicate that desire.

Remind yourself that your relationship is *not only* not going to look like a snapshot of someone else’s, it isn’t meant to.

If all of us looked and acted the same, life would be very boring. And just like you are—for good reason—who you are and not someone else, for then the world would be void of your gifts and your specific light of Christ, the same goes for your relationship. How can you two come together to glorify God in your relationship in a unique way, just as you do being two individuals? The Lord doesn’t want it to look like someone else’s relationship, He wants you to live out your own calling.

Take away opportunities or habits where you know you often fall into comparison.

If you know scrolling will only lead you to compare, unfollow those people to whom you compare. The unfollow is not personal, it is not an attack on them, it is an act of kindness from you, to you. You get to eliminate a time and energy-draining activity, and rid yourself of falling into the sin of envy—it’s a huge spiritual and emotional win-win!

And the same goes for hanging out with certain people that you know will always end up as long bouts of gossip and comparison and jealousy: do your best to refrain from those nights and that time spent. If it’s not bringing you closer to Christ, or reminding you that you are worthy of shooting for sainthood, it’s not something to spend your time doing.

Remind yourself that looking like another relationship does not promise the fruits you think are present in that relationship.

It is a lie that if you look like another relationship, you will also have the perceived fruits of that relationship that you desire as well. First off, you may think that a specific “fruit” is there—better gift-giving, better romance, better love—but there is no way to be sure, because you aren’t in that relationship. And secondly, mere outside appearance does not a strong and healthy relationship make! You can have the fruits of a happy and healthy relationship without looking exactly like another perceived happy and healthy relationship.

Remember that each relationship is unique.

At the end of the day, people show love and affection and care in all sorts of different ways. I give and receive love in a different way from my husband, and we give and receive love within our marriage in different ways from either of our parents’ relationships. All three look completely different! Our marriage is also different from our friends’ marriages, and all of our marriages are healthy and fruitful.

Romantic comparison can shine a bright light on how things could be different for you—especially if you are already wishing for things to be different. Let that be an invitation to go straight to your partner and talk it out, instead of straight to envy to be manipulated by evil. The world doesn’t need relationships to all look the same, on the contrary, there is so much hope in seeing fruit come from romance lived out differently and fruitfully.

It is the same reason for the vast difference across all the saints’ lives, and the same reason you are unique: God made it so, so that more people would come to know His Son, His love, and His plan for His beloved.

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 1578 times —