But He Still Lives With His Mom!

Is still living with your parents impacting your dating life?

According to this 2016 study, 40% of young adults live at home with their parents, the highest statistic since the Great Depression. Reasons include debt, unemployment, delayed marriage, and economic recession. But these numbers tell us nothing about how living at home influences dating.

I can’t tell you how many of my girlfriends write off a young man by saying: “I like him, but he still lives with his mom.”

They assume the young man in question is lazy, and scroll right past his profile. Have I ever assumed that? Sadly, yes. Teenage Cadence was judgmental and hypocritical, because I too lived with my parents while dating. Experiencing both sides has helped me learn how a living situation isn’t the best way to determine whether someone is a responsible adult.

Whether you’re the one living at home or the one looking at a potential date, my top tip for you is to start looking for signs of maturity.

Maturity isn’t necessarily related to living status. How do you measure maturity? Try asking four simple questions:

1. Is this out of choice or necessity?

Many people have no other living options, and some people choose to stay at home freely. Neither is wrong, and both can be good. Yes, sometimes people choose to stay at home because it’s easier, or they don’t want to do their own laundry.

But before assuming that, ask whether this person is living at home for his or her own comfort, or for the good of someone else? Perhaps your date is taking care of an aging parent or a special needs sibling. Maybe she’s like my sister, who knows it’s unsafe for a young woman to live alone in a big city. Maybe he’s taking over the family farm. Maybe she is going through treatment for an illness. Maybe he needed the emotional support while healing from a divorce. Exploring the endless reasons of choice or necessity is a great place to start.

2. Is this a temporary or permanent arrangement?

Often, young adults choose to move back home temporarily because they are saddled with college debt. Living at home can be financially savvy that way. Maybe he is saving for a down payment on a place of his own. Maybe she is doing an internship close to home, and is leaving after graduation. Living at home could be the solution to a different problem—perhaps your date got laid off, or her apartment caught on fire, or there were problems with his rental paperwork.

If this situation is more of a permanent thing, ask why. Disability, caring for a family member, or family business could all factor in. But what if your date can’t come up with legitimate reasons for living at home? That leads to our third question.

3. Is the person living an extended childhood or an adult life?

Living at home as a child comes with lots of perks: someone’s always feeding you, doing your laundry, paying your bills, and even telling you when to go to bed. But that’s the thing about childhood—we’re supposed to grow out of it.

Take a look at how your date is living. Does she have a job? Does he manage his time well? Does she value independence? Is he paying his own bills? Regardless of living situation, supporting yourself and having an independent mindset is one of the surest signs that you are living as an adult.

On the other end of the spectrum, someone living an extended childhood could spend their time playing video games in the basement until his mom calls him for supper. The movie Failure To Launch is an example of extended childhood—the main character had to learn to get out of his comfort zone and grow up if he wanted to win the lady. The same applies here, whether or not your date is living at home. What matters is that they’re living as an adult to the best of their ability.

4. Is this situation going to continue after a marriage?

Don’t jump the gun on this one—you shouldn’t be asking this question until last, and probably not until you’ve decided you want to be serious with this person. If you’re headed toward marriage, have the conversation about your living situations in the future.

Does your significant other expect you to move in with the new in-laws, like Howard in the show The Big Bang Theory? He assumes his new fiancee Bernadette will move in with him and his mom after they get married. Obviously a comic conflict ensues because of their lack of communication, but the idea rings true: If you two are in a serious relationship, you’ll need to talk and work out your expectations.

Overall, the main thing to remember is to look at each situation individually, and to always find the “why” behind every circumstance.

Realize that families need to be cherished, even if living situations aren't normal or even desirable.

Remember Ruth and Naomi? The Book of Ruth is very clear that family comes first—these two women stick together and take care of each other in every circumstance. Boaz certainly didn't turn up his nose at Ruth because of her devotion to family, her poverty, or her situation. Like this Biblical example, we need to recognize the inherent dignity of family and to live it out, whether we’re under the same roof or different ones.