Are You Going to Raise the Kids Catholic?

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Recently, our fourth daughter got married.

Hers was also the fourth wedding to happen in our family. At the reception our three already married daughters surprised everyone with a "Married Sisters' Toast." It was charming and wise and funny just as it should be. But what struck me most was not what they said.

As I looked at each of them standing up there it struck me how quickly marriage had changed them. One was in her second trimester with her first child, that glorious period after the sickness has passed, before the enormity has set in, when an expectant mom is the most beautiful woman on earth. One had just had her first child three months prior. He was sitting across the room on his father's lap. And one had three kids age four and under!

It seemed like just yesterday that people were making wedding toasts to them, as they sat regally in their bridal splendor beside their handsome grooms. And now they were mothers.

Are you ready for the changes God wants to make in your life?

It's not enough to say Amen in your own heart. You have to make sure the person you marry feels the same way. And for that to happen you've got to talk together about it. Starting with—

Babies.

If to have them. When to have them. How many to have. How to raise them. As my three married daughters showed, babies are a natural consequence of marriage. Most of the western world takes steps to get around that, to limit it, to control it, to do it on their own time table. Catholics submit to God's plan. That's a big difference. Discuss.

Religion.

The babies question will naturally lead to the an even bigger question—religion. If to have one. Which one to have. How to practice. You need to marry someone who feels the same way you do about religion. Whoever said religion should not matter never had one. Anyone with a religion knows it's not a side hobby but the deepest commitment of a person's life.

These two red hot questions lead to a third—

Just how do you find out the answers to these red hot questions?

Well, you don't have to make your first date into a job interview. In fact don't—or you won't get a second. But you can watch for cues early on. Encourage the person to talk openly. Swap stories.

Talk and talk and talk some more. And not just about the big issues. Even the seemingly small issues can be important depending on how committed you are to them.

Here's a story.

A young relative once Facebooked me for advice about his girlfriend. He really really liked her but there were two issues on which they could not see eye to eye. One was where to go to Mass. Not whether to go—that was a given—but where to go. The other was pants. Yes, pants! She wore pants and he didn't think she should. He told me that they had argued and argued about these things but neither would budge.

I told him to move on.

These two issues were already dividing them. Frustration was already beginning. In time, they might stop arguing but at what price? The conviction that the other person did not respect or care about them. These little differences would drive a big wedge between them. Once they broke up, he found a woman who shared his views. And guess what? He found her online.

It may not seem romantic to talk over the issues when you'd rather be gazing at the moon. But you won't always be dating. Someday, like my married daughters, you'll be running your own households. And you will need to agree with your spouse on what that will look like.

Lifestyle.

Where will you live? City or suburbs or country living? Lots of acres or is concrete okay?

Money.

When to spend it. How to save it. What are income expectations?

Decision making.

Will you be joint deciders about everything or is it going to be the man who makes the final decision? Laura Ingalls Wilder nearly did not marry Almanzo based on one word, the "O" word. So he did not make her vow to obey him. Will that be you? Or will you resolve to discuss everything together but that if there is a disagreement the man, as head of the household make the final decision? That looks great on paper. But in real life, it might go down hard to live with a big decision that affects you that you didn't get to make.

Inlaws.

Love 'em? Hate 'em? Not that important? Don't see them much? Of course not. Who ever heard of in-laws going on a date? Your time with them will increase with marriage. You will spend holidays with them. Possibly Sundays too. You will come home and find them in your living room. They'll phone sometimes and divert your honey's attention away from you and your priorities. And when you have kids, Grandma is going to be stopping by. Are you ready to accept these people, love these people, as your own?

How about friends?

Does her BFF's gossip make you uncomfortable? Do you want to put some distance between his bar buddies and him? Maybe you wouldn't interfere now, while you are dating but...once you are married it's let the makeover begin! Good luck with that.

Don't let awkwardness or insecurity or even respect stop you from talking about the issues that carry through into marriage. They can make or break you.

As my married daughters said when they raised a glass to the young couple, quoting Granny from Downton Abbey, "Marriage is a long business. There is no getting out of it for our kind of people."

Just make sure it's with the right one.

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