Setting Boundaries When Dating a Single Parent

I remember when I began meeting with my therapist, she explained to me the concept of boundaries.

In many ways, I never had really heard those things before. I learned that boundaries are like property lines. These lines define where I begin and end, and where another person begins and ends. Boundaries help keep the bad out and the good inside. Boundaries help us take responsibility for ourselves as an individual without taking on the responsibility of other people around us.

We need boundaries in all types of relationships in our lives: dating, married, work, friends, and family. The same principles can be used to strengthen relationships so they become healthier and more authentic. When it comes to dating, sometimes you may find yourself dating someone who has children from a previous marriage or relationship.

Dating a single parent will look and feel a bit different because there are more than two people in the equation. While you may not meet the kids right away, realizing they are a part of the picture from the beginning is important and respectful to your partner.

What can boundaries look like when dating a single parent?

It may look or sound something like this:

-Being mindful of how much time the other person has.

-Accepting there may be times he or she will not be able to connect.

-Taking your time in meeting the children, and following the lead of your partner.

-Make sure you are still living your own life separate from your significant other who is a single parent.

-Talking through both of your expectations, needs, and wants early on.

Having dated some men who had children from their previous marriage, I learned a lot.

Here are some things to be aware of and to consider when dating or getting to know someone who already has children.

Be flexible on scheduling – Single parents are often busy juggling busy schedules, managing everything from parenting and household management to work and sometimes school, along with being mom or dad. That might mean they cannot be as spontaneous or available sometimes as you would like. Be patient and understanding. When you do share time together, savor it and make it last.

Be there for your partner emotionally – Single parents are dealing with many different things both professionally and personally. A partner who is a supportive shoulder to lean on is necessary to deepening your intimacy and connection. Single parents spend a lot of time ensuring the mental, emotional, and spiritual care for their kiddos. However, they need that for themselves as well, but may not always have the time to do so. Being a loving, supportive partner is an intentional way you can show up for a single parent you are in a relationship with.

Understand his/her priorities – For a single parent, an obvious high priority for them is their children, and rightfully so. While a serious relationship can play an integral role in the life of a single parent, there should not be any competition between you and your partner’s kids. It can create a weird, stressful dynamic between the two of you, not to mention, eventually the children might start to notice it. Never make a single parent feel like they have to choose between you or the kids.

Do not get involved in any drama – We have probably all heard the saying before, “Don’t be a drama queen!” Gosh, who wants to be labeled like that? Not me! While emotional support is important to a serious relationship, getting involved in any drama—especially with an ex or co-parent—is not. Try as much as possible to stay out of any interpersonal conflicts in your partner’s life with the other parent. Be there to support your significant other, but don’t get too involved in disputes of difficulties that arise with the other parent. Be sure to never speak ill of the children’s other parent when around them.

Make your time together count – Single parents often have limited time for connection and dates. So when you do share time together, make it count. Try to plan dates around life with the kids. Savor the time you do share together. One-on-one time is valuable so be sure to treat it as such. Be on the lookout for little ways to connect or stay in touch through the humdrum of daily life.

Catholic single parents navigating the dating world desire to meet the right person for themselves.

However, for a single parent, the right person for him/her also needs to be the right person for their children.

If you are dating someone who is a single parent or in the early stages of getting to know him or her, consider the different experience it can be for both of you. There are many stories here on Catholic Match of single parents finding their special someone, but it is important to remember that for these families there are some important things to keep in mind.