We didn't click. Why?
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We encounter people every day. Some are easy to connect with and others pose a struggle. Have you ever stopped to wonder why this happens?
The only time I reflect on relationships and why some click and others don't is when the "click" doesn't happen. You know how this goes; you meet someone—present your best manners and body language—set your psyche to accompaniment—and nothing happens. No engagement. No connection. Awkwardness and the thought, "Is it me?" "Is it something I did?" "Did I say something offensive?"
Or the other thought, "The problem here is not me. It's them. This person is a curmudgeon."
Isn't it interesting how quickly we can jump to conclusions—especially when things don't progress as we think they should? It is so easy to come up with reasons or excuses for failed relationships. And, by the way, most convincing reasons and excuses cast doubt on the other person not on us. (Self defense is so comforting...)
Why should I give the benefit of the doubt?
It is a pipe dream to think that you can connect with everyone all the time. It is an even bigger myth to think that once a connection is made, nothing can break it.
The truth is that there are many factors that come into play each and every time we meet someone; things like rapport, similarity, levels of attraction, and your people skills.
What's the bottom line? Getting or staying in sync with another takes a sincere attitude, persistence and practice. Permit me to share my thoughts about each of these elements.
A sincere attitude happens happens when you give the benefit of the doubt. The Free Dictionary says that giving someone the benefit of the doubt means “to believe something good about someone, rather than something bad, when you have the possibility of doing either.”
The people here are insane, but they mean well
Here's an example. My uncle, at the age of 98, is a master at believing that people are good. Even at his age, his mind is sound. Recently, he and his wife of 75 years moved into a memory care unit because she needed additional services. He is surrounded 24/7 by people who repeat themselves, wander around and forget their names. When I last saw him, he told me, "you know, the people here are all insane. But that is alright because they mean well." Talk about thinking on the good when you could easily justify complaining.
When couples or spouses come to you, are you able to cast your judgment aside and choose to believe something good?
Choose persistence over resistance. Many people have read books written by Matthew Kelly. His latest, Resisting Happiness, describes events and habits that derail us from doing what we know we should do. His thought is that people give in when the going gets tough instead of persisting forward. Instead of leaning in, they settle back.
So, what does this have to do with marriage ministry?
Let's apply this to our ministry. You receive a voicemail from a woman who is asking for marriage counseling. In detail, she tells you about her unhappy marriage and that she just wants a divorce. Yet, someone told her to call you because you might convince her otherwise.
You have two ways to go here: one—call her back, hear the story again and connect her with resources or two—decide to ignore the call. If you feed the resistance, (a.k.a. that small voice in your head that says, "I don't want to deal with this") you pick number two. If you feed your persistence, you pick up the phone and dial.
Practice. Practice. Practice. You've heard this so many times before that you may wince when you read it again. Learning how to connect takes practice. Let me share a simple strategy that I've been practicing. The plan is very simple—I bring God with me and include him in all that I do. Here's the step by step breakdown of the strategy.
Step one: Begin the morning with a prayer to do God's will and not mine. (Be forewarned that God will take you places you never thought possible when you pray that "his will be done.")
Step two: Train yourself to look into the eyes of everyone you meet before you look at any other part of them. This reminds you that God is within them just as he is within you. There is something very humbling and loving about gazing into the eyes of another.
Step Three: Maintain an open posture and demeanor (a.k.a. smile, a slight lean in, taking a slow and easy breath). This sets them at ease and encourages them to share themselves with you.
Connectivity can never be taken for granted. It reduces the distance between two people and fosters understanding and trust. Keep working on your ability to "click."
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