Don't Let Children Take Over Your Marriage!

Whether you’ve just had your first child, are knee-deep in toddlerhood, or are perhaps navigating the teenage years, you’re undoubtedly acutely aware of the many and varied needs of your offspring, no matter their age or how many teeth they have. In the midst of what can feel like the chaos of day-to-day life and need-meeting, have you ever been tempted to look over at your spouse and think, “We’ll make time for each other once the kids are grown and gone?” 

Why would parents want to prioritize their marriage over their relationship with their own children? 

At the level of our Catholic Faith, we already know that marriage is a sacrament, whereas parenthood is not. Through that lens, then, logic would suggest that marriage should be the primary relationship. Perhaps surprisingly, though, children themselves also need their parents to make the marriage their number one priority because, as one veteran married couple with years of counseling experience observed, “When the parental team breaks down, children become the biggest losers. They lose their family, which is where they build their sense of security. When children don’t feel secure, their whole world seems to unravel. No amount of baseball, dance, piano lessons, or toys can make up for that kind of loss.” 

Prioritizing your marriage certainly does not mean neglecting your children; rather, prioritizing the marriage reflects the right ordering of relationships within a family unit. A strong marriage directly benefits the children, both in the short term and for the long haul. In the here and now, when children see the stability of their own parents’ relationship, and don’t, for instance, constantly worry about the grown-ups breaking up, they are free to turn their attention and emotional energy to other things.

In the long run, children who have a healthy marital relationship modeled for them are more likely to know what they themselves are looking for in a spouse, and to feel confident that lifelong commitment and deep, sustained intimacy are possible. 

There are huge benefits to putting your marriage first.

Research done by the National Marriage Project confirms the benefits for children when their parents place a high value on the strength of their marriage. Researchers found that “the quality of the relationship between parents is one of the key factors associated with the cognitive, social, and emotional development of their children. Couples with high levels of marital conflict and tension are less likely to establish warm and effective relationships with their children, and their preschoolers, school-age children, and adolescents tend to have more academic problems, more symptoms of anxiety and depression, and more anger and aggression in their relationships with their peers.“

I’ve experienced in my own life the tremendous boost to the marriage that comes from being on the same page, and from prioritizing the marriage first. I stay at home with two toddlers, and whining and talking back have been in plentiful supply in our household as of late. My husband came home from work one-day last week to a frazzled me, exhausted from a day of emotional hard labor. After supper, he turned to our kiddos and said sternly, “Mama has told me what happened here today. Because we are married, she is my number one priority, and I have to take care of her. No one is allowed to treat her the way you did.”

First I was surprised, and then I wanted to stand up and cheer. Knowing that my husband has my back and that I’m not disciplining or otherwise correcting our children’s behavior alone, helps me relax, which yields a kinder, more rational mama for my children. 

Are you using your children as a detraction?

Consider: Am I tempted to devote time to and lavish attention on my children’s needs as an alternative to attending to problems within my own marriage? 

Sometimes, a couple will encounter difficulties in their own relationship that feel unbridgeable or insurmountable. When their own relationship feels impossible to fix, turning their attention and tenderness towards their children may feel easier and less painful than trying to work out their marital difficulties with someone that may not be particularly likable at the time. 

In the long run, though, as a licensed clinical psychologist experienced in marriage and family issues wrote for Focus on the Family, “if couples spend their entire married life making their children the center of their world, the result may be two people who have no connection once the children are grown and gone.”

Rather than turning away from their problems towards their children, couples can role model perseverance and fortitude for their children when they choose to utilize the sacramental graces of marriage by turning towards prayer and seeking whatever help they need to restore harmony in the relationship, be it from a marriage counselor, spiritual director, etc. 

Are your children driving a literal—but adorable—wedge between you and your spouse? 

When I was growing up, my siblings and I were never allowed in my parents’ bed. If we had nightmares, we brought our comforter in and slept on the floor at the foot of their bed. Only as an adult did I learn that some children sleep in their parents’ bed every night, sometimes for years or one after the other as more children come along. I learned too that sometimes for the dad in particular, overnight bed-sharing can lead to resentment as if he is just one among many of mom’s bedfellows. 

In James’ and my family, our two kids are rarely allowed in our bed except for watching the occasional hunting show with Daddy on YouTube before bedtime. Most often, though, if the three of them are watching a show together, they’ll be in the guest bedroom bed. Our room is mostly off-limits to them. Another couple I know of agreed on morning snuggle time for the whole family and bought a king-size bed for the specific purpose of accommodating everyone. Nighttime, though, was designated couple-only time. 

Something like bed-sharing is ultimately a prudential judgment to be discerned by each couple. Couples should establish expectations and set boundaries that make sense for their particular family.

What can couples do to shore up their marriage on a daily basis?

Attending to my husband’s emotional needs just as I attend to my children’s emotional needs lets him know that I see him, I value him, and I love him for himself.  Over and over again, we hear from veteran married couples as well as relationship experts, “Take regular date nights!” I’ve also learned the importance of dreaming together as a couple, of making time to consider our future and who we want to become as a couple.