7 Ways Parish Leaders Can Better Serve Divorced Catholics

With the upcoming World Meeting of Families in September, and the Extraordinary Synod last October, there are many people wondering if there will be any significant changes to current Church protocols and pastoral practices. While we wait to hear, I'd like to make a suggestion of my own on an important issue; how parishes can better help support the divorced Catholics in their own communities.

“I can clearly see that what the Church needs today is the ability to heal wounds and warm the hearts of faithful, it needs to be by their side. I see the Church as a field hospital after a battle. It’s pointless to ask a seriously injured patient whether his cholesterol or blood sugar levels are high! It’s his wounds that need to be healed. The rest we can talk about later. Now we must think about treating those wounds. And we need to start from the bottom.” These are the words of Pope Francis during his interview with the director of the Italian Jesuit magazine Civiltà Cattolica, Antonio Spadaro. These words are a breath of fresh air, in my humble opinion, because it is a call for all of us Catholics, regardless of our state in life, to seek out those who are wounded and lead them toward the Church where they can heal. How do we do this? I have some suggestions, but first I encourage you to understand what life is like for someone who is divorced.

Life Through The Eyes of a Divorced Catholic

Although not every Catholic who goes through a divorce experiences the circumstances I describe here, it often happens that what seems clear cut to non-divorced parishioners can be very confusing to a divorced Catholic. Why? Oftentimes it's because there are too many people offering advice that is based on misinformation. It's also because many people are blindsided by divorce, meaning they knew nothing about their spouses' plans to leave until they actually left, and this has infused their world with chaos and confusion. They don't have answers to why it happened, they aren't given opportunities to change, they are just suddenly divorced, suddenly labeled failures. Doubt, shame and fear of being judged are constant themes that keep them away from parish activities.

 Regardless of how their divorces happened, all of them bear some level of anger and sorrow. Most feel alienated from the rest of the parish. The fact is, they want to be recognized and not in a way that slaps a label on them. They want their hurt, their life crisis recognized as something real they are suffering through. They want to be welcomed, listened to and loved, instead of being met with indifference and judgment.

There is also a lot of dating confusion which adds to their frustration. Part of this is because well-meaning family members and friends encourage them to "heal the pain" by finding someone new. Part of this is because there are no parameters in Canon Law that address this issue of dating after a divorce. What is underscored in Canon Law is the permanency of marriage but few people pay attention to that when the divorce decree arrives in the mail.

Here are a few simple solutions I can recommend that could make a world of difference for someone who is dealing with divorce:

1. Make sure all priests, deacons, DREs and any other person in a position of dispensing advice have an accurate and uniform understanding of the basic things that apply to a Catholic who is divorced, for example:

-  A civil divorce decree does not prohibit the reception of the sacraments or participation in parish life. Have fliers or pamphlets with this information readily available and easy to pick up. (Download and print out The Top 10 Annulment Myths)

-  Dating should not be encouraged unless that person has a) taken the time and steps to become as healed as possible, and b) has been through the annulment process and received a decree of nullity. Until these have taken place, socializing is good, but romantic dating should wait.

2. Reach out to them once a week to see how they’re doing (phone call, email, handwritten note, etc.). You would be amazed at the difference this could make.

3. Be available to listen. Some parishes have what's known as a Stephen Ministry, and have parishioners who pay visits to other parishioners in divergent situations.

4. Let them know they can continue in their ministries if they feel up to it, and of course, as long as they're living a moral lifestyle.

5. Offer support groups like the Journey of Hope program.

6. Recognize those who bear the heavy cross of divorce (as a group with the same circumstance, not individually) in sermons whenever possible.

7. Offer credible, related information and resources.

Like most Catholics, I enthusiastically await more clarifications on issues facing Catholics that may come from the World Meeting of Families. If you'd like to support their efforts, I encourage you to pray the World Meeting of Families Prayer and ask the Holy Spirit for his wisdom and guidance during the congress.