A few years ago, my recently turned 30, seemingly perpetually single self wrote an article on how to stop being envious as a single Catholic.
Since then, I've gotten married and learned a lot about how quickly God can change one's life circumstances.
It’s a groan-inducing cliche to say “it will happen when you least expect it,” and I forgot just how annoying that line was when I told it to a friend recently, even though only two years ago, she and I were in the same boat, matrimonially speaking.
But, in my case, it was true.
I had told myself, or rather, convinced myself, that I’d be fine if I never got married, and tried as best I could to put the rest in God’s hands. This was because I never honestly thought I’d find anyone who actually “checked my boxes,” as I'd convinced myself that certain guys I’d pursued were “perfect for me,” yet those relationships never went anywhere. I figured it would take a miracle to find someone I could actually live with for the rest of my life, so I had resigned myself to a life of living in my apartment forever and trying to travel as much as possible.
I took my “don’t settle” advice very seriously, telling my dad that rather than settle, I’d remain self-contentedly single. Meeting my husband made me incredibly glad I'd resigned myself to allowing God to bring me my spouse. (I met my husband while visiting a different parish, and we got engaged six months later.)
The boxes I wanted checked mainly included my future husband being college-educated, someone who enjoyed traveling, loved hard rock and metal music, and - as a bonus - had an artist’s brain.
I was, after all, a music major.
What I got was a metalhead who didn’t go to college and could take or leave traveling. And you know what? He checked boxes I didn’t even know I needed, and he’s better than any husband I could’ve imagined (and so handsome a man I’m still amazed he was attracted to me).
Previously, I had written that, since marriage is a sacrament, upon entering this holy estate, we must ensure that we each place ourselves in positions from which we can offer our spouse what is necessary for their salvation. This involves finding someone supportive of your goals, shares your vision for family life and life in general, and, most importantly, is someone who helps you grow in Christ-likeness.
While my husband didn’t go to college, he’s wise beyond his years.
Concerning “wanting an artist,” he’s better than any artist I imagined, as I hadn’t considered wanting much outside of a musician and maybe a writer, and his creativity shines in everything he pursues.
He’s a top-notch carpenter, is fantastic at drawing, and is an imaginative fiction writer. We have a nice balance with writing, considering that I write non-fiction. Even though I’d like to dive into fiction writing, there’s no competition since our genres are so different.
Regarding traveling, he initially told me that he was fine without traveling, but since it was important to me, he’d do it. I later found out that his resistance to travel mainly stemmed from the fact that, in the past, he wasn’t sure he’d have anyone to travel with and didn’t spend much time thinking about it. So far, we’ve taken a few trips and now have an entire bucket list of adventures waiting for us.
Since he’s more practical regarding work and finances, and I’m more of a dreamer, my husband has brought me down to reality in meaningful ways, even though my stubborn resistance has led to several arguments. (Once, before we were married, my husband and I went an entire day without texting each other, only to realize that we were upset about two different things.)
We’ve been able to help each other navigate our own personal issues, such as my husband’s past struggles, and issues we’ve faced as a couple, drawing on our own life experiences and education.
Learning to live with another person and navigating each other's unique personalities can be a challenging experience. It’s through vulnerable communication and learning how each of you can communicate more effectively that you truly develop understanding and empathy towards your spouse (as well as others), and how you can strengthen your bond and grow together as a couple.
Marriage has also helped us grow in our roles of emulating Christ and the Church. My husband has discussed with other men how holy marriage is and how it helps them grow. His priorities shifted after meeting me, as he realized that on his own, he didn’t have as much motivation to grow as a person. He now feels that his life has taken on a new meaning, and he has gained more direction in his role as a provider and in the goals he wants to achieve.
We’re both excited to live out our God-given roles as nurturer and provider in our future, expanded family life.
Marriage is a journey.
We’re just at the beginning of our marriage, and we know it’s a lifelong journey to further understanding each other and following God’s will in our lives. I encourage everyone struggling with feeling that God has abandoned them in their desires to get married to continually remember to pray to their patron Saint for intercession.
I had previously written that there was no doubt in my mind that St. Catherine of Alexandria’s intercession was able to help me find proper discernment when it came to making decisions about committing myself fully to one person for my entire life, and she didn’t fail me.
Next, always remember that marriage is a sacrament, and you may not be called to it until later in life.
Guess what? That's okay.
Trust God. His timing is perfect (and no, his clock is NOT broken).
Further, continue to examine your motivations for pursuing certain persons and don’t settle.
Are you seeking marriage because you want to devote yourself to a lifelong vocation of helping each other grow towards salvation, or because you’re envious of others and are tired of waiting?
Lastly, continue to nurture the attributes within yourself that will make you a good spouse when the time comes, and don’t give up hope.
Our God is a God of miracles, revealing that which we don’t even know we need for our salvation.
