Pray for Those Who Hurt You (Especially If You Don't Feel Like It!)

Praying for enemies is hard.

It’s really REALLY hard to pray for someone who has hurt you deeply, especially when it comes to romance. Anything from a high school breakup to a divorce after decades can leave us wounded, crying, and wondering what on earth happened.

Maybe you’ve gone through a one-sided crush, a broken engagement, or the end of a marriage. Perhaps something happened a really long time ago, and it still hurts when you think of it. Maybe it’s not romantic at all, and you have a family member or friend who has caused you heaps of pain. Whatever it is, life does not leave any of us unscathed from wounds inflicted by others. Even others we love very much.

Last year, I went to Confession with one of these situations. I didn’t know how to forgive someone who had hurt me so much, not to mention how to move on. The priest listened to my story. He responded with a ridiculously simple penance. He told me to pray this: “Lord, bless them; change me.” 

Incredibly simple, and incredibly difficult at the same time. But this young priest had wisdom beyond his years in assigning me this particular phrase. 

“Bless them.”

Let’s go over the first part of this prayer, which undoubtedly is the hardest part.

As much as I wanted to pray “Lord, change them” or “Please, God, let them be sorry!” that is not how we are called to pray. Though it would have vindicated my own hurt feelings, prayers like this are really just Pharisee prayers. All they focus on is someone else’s issues, and they certainly don’t leave room for God to do something we might not want. Instead, Jesus tells us to love our enemies and pray for them (Matthew 5:44.) What better way to do this than a simple “Lord, please bless them.”

Before grudges and anger get in the way, let me explain: this prayer does NOT excuse the person’s actions, nor pretend you aren’t suffering. Praying for blessings for others is far, far more meaningful than asking the other person to be happy and carefree.

When we ask God’s blessings on someone else, we are asking God to give them only things which bring them closer to Him. That’s what a blessing is, right? A way to be closer to God? So, praying for His blessings on your enemy is simply praying for them to grow closer to Him. 

This takes a lot of the sting out of false forgiveness, and opens us up to real forgiveness. We are not praying for our enemy’s of worldly abundance, riches, comfort, or ease. We are simply asking God to lead them closer to Him.

And the beauty of “bless them” makes an open-ended prayer, for God to fulfill however He sees fit. Because maybe the blessings God has for that person does involve repentance, or change, or something else you’d actually like to see. And maybe it doesn’t.

But we know one thing. It absolutely, positively will be a chance for them to grow closer to our Lord. This can only mean good things for both them and you.

“Change me.” 

The second part of this prayer is the “change me” portion. This is the easier part, in my opinion, because we are usually praying for the Lord to help us in one way or another. The only difference here is that we are asking for personal growth directly tied to the situation and person who hurt you.

You probably don’t want to let go of grudges, of hurt, or sometimes even hate. I know I don’t, and on my own, I can’t. So this is where inviting God into your own heart comes in.

“Change me” is an invitation for Him to enter the situation in your life and work on it. Whatever painful circumstance is going on, you can ask God to change you and bless you in it. Again, this part is also open-ended. You likely are at a loss of how to handle things, or what to do, or how to truly forgive, and that’s okay.

With this prayer, you don’t have to think of how to change. It’s simply about opening the door to let God in. Once you do that, He has the space and permission to figure it out and show you the way forward.

Let the rest go.

So when you’re struggling hard with praying for someone you don’t want to pray for, just repeat this short little prayer, and let the rest go.

“Bless them; change me,” is the simplest way of saying “Lord, You know better than I do what is needed in this situation. Please bring the other person closer to Yourself, and work in my heart to move me toward the person You want me to become.”

What better way to heal heartbreak than to entreat the great Healer?