Are You Ready to Move in Your Long-Distance Relationship?

A common question for long-distance daters.

On my podcast, The Crunch, we often get questions from listeners in long-distance relationships, and they tend to ask a variant of the same question: When do I move for somebody?

Despite the variety of people and the variety of circumstances, my cohost and I often have the same answer: as soon as possible. If you are in a long-distance relationship that has been going on for some time, being in the same place should be the end goal.

Of course, there are caveats to this, but for the most part I stand by that advice. If you are in a long-distance relationship and considering moving for somebody, do it unless there are extenuating circumstances (military assignment, sick relative, temporary job, etc.) 

But we are not telling our listeners to do something we wouldn’t do ourselves. Both my cohost and I moved for our future wives.

For me, it happened at the end of my senior year of college.

The summer before my senior year, I interned with a community of missionaries in my wife’s home state, the great nation of Texas. My wife and I were dating long-distance at the time, and I was fully planning on moving to Texas to be closer to her. Then things changed when she decided to transfer back to the school I was about to graduate from.

I pivoted away from my plan to move to Texas and instead got a job in Pittsburgh to be closer to where she was going to school. Even though we weren’t planning on getting married yet, I knew being long-distance was not good for our relationship and adjusted my life trajectory to reflect that.

My cohost, Ethan, made a similar decision to be closer to his girlfriend and now wife. It’s ultimately a question of priorities. If this person is the one you want to marry, they should be the highest priority in your life, and you should try to move to be closer to them. 

Holy Certitude.

If you are not quite sure you want to marry this person, that’s okay. What you need to do is develop what I have heard called a “holy certitude.” A holy certitude is a sense of security that a decision is God’s will, even though you are not 100% sure. 

You can develop this kind of certitude by having open and honest conversations with one another about your future, your goals, etc. If you have been long-distance for a long time, it’s likely you have started developing this certitude already. To develop it further, bring up the moving question with your significant other soon. 

How do you feel when you think about it? Anxiety is often a sign you need more time for discernment. A sense of peace is often a sign it’s the right direction.

The worst case scenario.

When this question comes up on the podcast, we often ask what the worst-case scenario is. If you are young and single with no kids, the worst-case scenario is the relationship doesn’t work out and you spend more time in a different city than usual. And that might not be bad.

God purposefully conceals parts of His will from us for a variety of reasons. We might run if He told us, He wants to teach us, He wants us to trust, etc. It is possible God is calling you to move to a place with the knowledge that it won’t work out. Even the worst-case scenario will work for your good.

I have a friend who experienced this worst-case scenario after she moved to Virginia. Even though it didn’t work out the way she expected, God used it for her good. She grew as a person there. God rarely calls us somewhere for only one thing. If He is calling you to move, He is calling you there for your relationship and countless other things you have no idea exist.

Long-distance is not a life sentence.

If you are in a long-distance relationship, what I am about to say will both comfort you and scare you: long-distance is not a life sentence.

This should comfort you because it means you and your significant other will not be long-distance forever! It might scare you because that means your life will change. And change is scary when it comes with loss.

Human beings love change, but we hate loss. We’re like the dog who wants you to throw the ball but doesn’t want you to take it. We want to be with the one we love but we’re afraid of the loss that would come with moving. Eventually, one of you will have to move or the relationship will end. That is just the reality of the situation. 

I challenge you to ask yourself: Is the loss of this person worse than the loss of moving? If so, consider making the move.