60-Day Challenge to Use Online Dating More Effectively

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I'll clear the air; meeting online is awkward. After only two months of noncommital use of the service, I met my husband on CatholicMatch. No, it was not luck, fate, or whatever token you want to label that shoves the responsibility of the online user onto something uncontrollable. We met 10 years ago because we used CatholicMatch as a tool to introduce ourselves more efficiently than if we had met in person. We were strategic in our usage, not dependent on some outside inertia.

Here's how I'd suggest navigating the awkwardness of online meeting with efficacy and grace:

1. Take the time to respond to people who initiates contact, whether through viewing your profile, sending an emoticon, or message. Be thankful for the time they spent in trying to learn more about you. If you don't think you're compatible, say so, plainly, clearly, simply, as to not lead anyone into false hope.

2. Focus on the people that are interested in you. When I was on CatholicMatch, I viewed profiles at will, sent a few emoticons or emails commenting on pictures or profiles. With many of the men who contacted me I knew right away that the interest was not mutual, so I let them know. It might sting to be on the receiving end of that correspondence, but they were all happy and thankful that I didn't waste their time and that I actually acknowledged their feelings and effort. So, the question is, do I need to respond to EVERY message or wink?

The short answer is, “No.” There are any number of reasons why it is not necessary to respond when you do not have interest in the other person. Although some singles claim they would rather know that someone is not interested, the opposite is more likely true. Whether you simply choose to remove the message or respond with a polite, “No, thank you,” either way you will be within reasonable accepted practices of online dating. Rejection is simply not as personal when dating online. Shake it off and move on to the people that are interested in you.

3. Don't play games. The winning or losing mentality will set you up for mutual use or further feed insecurities. When you've "won" you'll still live in fear of "losing." Alex knew early in our relationship he wanted to marry me, because I didn't play with his heart. Don't mislead and say you had a good time if you didn't. Don't say you'll call if you are not going to call. If you're an online wallflower, expect no better results than you get in person. When you like someone, let them know. Feel free to flirt, and develop friendships.

4. Be open to all possibilitiesIf you set limitations on how/when/where you meet and date your spouse, you're leaving little room for God. Act out of love and courage, not out of fear of rejection. Meekness and humility are more attractive than arrogance.

5. Be patient knowing some people are shy or still nursing hurts. Trust takes time to build. If you're not interested, or even just hesitant, let him/her know, and tell them what you find incompatible as well as what you DO like about them. Give them a chance to process and respond to you. Spouses are not cookie cutter mates. Marriage is the most personal relationship you'll ever have, which means two individuals have a life time to learn each other well and adapt to their own specific relational needs. If we're not growing towards holiness, then we're creeping away from it.

6. Don't make excuses. Many people want to fall into the trap of blaming faulty wiring—categorizing men and women into strict tightly labeled boxes. Human beings are more organic than stereotypes leave room for. Often relying on our "wiring" limits  us to be good masters of our self. Women are just as much sexual and physical creatures as are men, just as men have the same need for emotional intimacy as do women. We are more alike than different in our needs as human beings in relationships.

7. Learn to communicate. You don't  know the future, or how you and your future spouse will both influence each other. Just because a woman pursued a man or initiated contact online doesn't mean she's stuck planning the dates for the rest of their years. Maybe you'll have an arrangement where the husband manages the house with shopping, paying bills, cleaning, and the wife's responsibility is planning dates. Learning to communicate now will only help you in your future marriage.

8. Get rid of the "perfect match" list. Ask yourself if you really can't live with that "uncompromisable" list. It is important and understandable to have a list of non-negotiables. Issues like insistence on using contraception are red flags to move on, however non-moral issues can always reach a compromise, especially when you consider your happy-ever-after hangs in the balance.

I challenge you to follow this advice for the next 60 days. Let me know in the comments below how it changed your online dating experiences and perspective.

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