Things You Should Know if You Haven't Dated in a While

Several comments from the articles here on the CatholicMatch Institute show the majority of active members accept the unwritten rule that only men should pursue women. However, this widely accepted cultural notion that only men should pursue has no place in Canon law, the Catechism, nor is it stated in that way in any doctrine or encyclical.

"Pursuing" is not unequivocally defined anywhere. There are several biblical references to women initiating contact: the woman who washed Jesus' feet in perfume, the hemorrhaging woman who reached out to touch Jesus' cloak, Saint Veronica when she was moved to wipe the blood and sweat from Jesus' face, Queen Esther broke the law by pursuing her husband, and Ruth when she went to sleep by Boaz's feet.

If this notion of who pursues whom in the beginning of the relationship is truly that important to you, you need to be very upfront and specific about those limits in your profile and in conversation. Without an explanation of your own unique expectations, there very easily could be miscommunications and misconceptions about the distinction in showing interest, sending encouragement, or actively pursuing.

There is a difference between initiating contact: smiling, flirting, or even striking up a conversation (or sending an emotigram), which merely shows interest or encouragement, versus asking for a date or diving in for a kiss. It's not enough to write in your profile, "I'm waiting for a guy to pursue me." Be specific and say, "I'm waiting for a someone to send the first message and asking me out on our first date. Please no emotigrams."

Or, maybe you're just fine with him just sending the first emotigram, but if he took more initiative by asking you on a date first, without your encouragement or mutual interest, you'd see him as desperate, needy, lonely, or too aggressive. Maybe you're insistent that the guy should be the first to contact AND plan all dates, and that women should never have to reciprocate the planning favor, only respond, like a Sleeping Beauty that only comes to life with true love's contact. Define your terms.  Men, be sure to ask clarifying questions so that you know what is expected of you.

Men: I completely agree with the notion that men should pursue the women (surprised?). The main reason I like to point out is that if a woman is going to be the mother of your children, she will have babies ripping through her body during birth (possibly multiple times over). There is a good chance she will give up herself to motherhood at some point in time, in reflection of the Blessed Mother, and in reflection of Jesus on the Cross. Maybe she's beyond her childbearing years, or already has children. Regardless, show her respect for that sacrifice by doing the same for her with this small but important gesture.

Try to measure up to her sacrifice by first risking your heart through pursuing.

Are you treating women the way you would want your daughters or sisters to be treated?

Are you still trying to actively pursue, or have you given up?

Are you only focused on the immediate rewards of your pursuit, or for the opportunities to strengthen virtue?

Are you making plans?

Are you following through with plans you've made?

Are you following up after the date?

Are you actively moving on with your life when the relationship proves unsuccessful?

Women:  Why are we blaming these men we hardly know for our own defense mechanisms? The man's action or inaction does not necessarily define a permanent state or a deep-seated character flaw, either. Why is it that we will excuse our own behavior as just having a bad day or an off moment, but with someone we don't even know, we are quick to make a judgment on his entire character, just because he didn't play by our rule book? Is it worth putting off God just because the gift He wants to give us isn't the right time or manner in which you expected?

Are you allowing yourselves to be pursued?

Or are you building up walls of busy schedules to protect yourself?

Have you prepared yourself for some level of vulnerability, just as you do with your friends?

Are you unknowingly rejecting his pursuits out of fear of hurt?

Are you letting him know you are available to date?

What mixed signals might you be sending?

Have you encouraged his pursuit? Or have you rejected his every attempt?

Are you a healed, whole person, ready to make an absolute gift of yourself?

An honest self-reflection is helpful when discerning what God is calling you to do.