Getting Married in the Best Way

Editor’s Note: In preparation of the World Meeting of Families (WMOF) in September, CatholicMatch Institute is excited to present a series from the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth. Each post will offer reflections from the preparatory catechesis Love is Our Mission: The Family Fully Alive. I will be co-presenting at the WMOF with CatholicMatch CEO and co-founder, Brian Barcaro and CatholicMatch Institute contributor, Danielle Bean! We’ll be presenting on the topic, “Where is This Relationship Going? Dating as Discernment.” In this fourth post in the series we will take a look at the second chapter of the catechesis, The Mission of Love. Read the entire series here.

My mother met my father as a teenager. They dated after high school. When he returned from the Korean War, they married. Like most Catholics at that time, they quickly had four children. As we grew older, and much to my mother’s embarrassment, my father liked to boast to us that they followed the Church’s teaching on birth control. Also he soberly added that there was only one choice in life, even when it came to sex—to follow God’s will and commandments. It wasn’t always easy, he said, but it was the best way.

My father was not theologically sophisticated, yet instinctively he understood God’s design for love and marriage. Dad “got it.” He knew in his heart that every man and woman has an inherent dignity. This understanding shaped his spousal relationship with my mother. The witness of my parents continues to speak to my heart of what it means to be made in God’s image and how that reality impacts the nature of married love.

These thoughts about my parents’ marriage filled my mind when I read Chapter Two of the official catechesis for the 2015 World Meeting on the Family. The theme is about God’s mission of love and how it is revealed in the conjugal relationship. To be made in God’s image speaks both of God’s invitation to share in His life and of the inherent gifts that God gives to each man and woman. The capacity and the vocation to love, just like God, is the foundation for all of human life. It is essential for marriage. And, the conjugal embrace is caught up in God’s divine plan of married love and life.

Scripture and Tradition reveal that God created marriage to be a life-long union between a man and a woman marked by fidelity, permanence, and fruitfulness (see The Code of Canon Law, §1055, Humanae Vitae, 9). Marriage is a radical call to love like God.

When a man and woman become one flesh in marriage, sex is, by its nature, both unitive and procreative. Procreation is the invitation by the Lord of life to share in the wonder of conceiving children. This is why the Church teaches that children are the supreme gift in marriage (see Gaudium et Spes, 50). This is also why the Church teaches that “when married couples deliberately act to suppress fertility…by using contraception” they deny “part of the inherent meaning of married sexuality” and actually do harm to their unity (see Married Love and the Gift of Life, USCCB, 2006). This may seem like a hard saying in today’s world, but the burden is lifted when we realize who we are as made in God’s image and God’s vision for married love.

In one of my many conversations with my father, he once admitted that sometimes he had to go to his room, shut the door, pray and remember why he loved my mother. Doing the right thing, even with someone you deeply love, is not always easy. Both he and my mother lived their joint mission of married love, and my siblings and I knew that we were the primary recipients. We saw their joy, playfulness, and reverence for one another.

In the last years of his life, my mother nursed my father through a long illness. My father died at home in my mother’s arms. His last words to her were that she was the love of his life. Their love was easy and passionate. At times it was hard and sacrificial. They chose the best way, they lived God’s mission of married love.

Why is the Church's teaching on contraception such a hard message for people to hear?

People today have been culturally conditioned to think that contraception is a “basic necessity” in life.  They  have been taught to think that “neutralizing” their fertility is the “responsible” way to act when they want to be sexually active with “no consequences.” Unfortunately, this presumption has broken a lot of hearts since fertility, or the potential to become a parent, is deeply intertwined with the sexual act. And, most people fail to see that there are unforeseen negative consequences of having multiple sexual partners with no regard for the bonding and procreative nature of sexual intercourse. Part of what has to happen for Catholics to accept Church teaching is for them to  reflect on God’s original plan for men and women. They need to see that sex is not a sport. Sex is holy and for married couples who can be open to life.

What advice would you give a couple that wants to stop using contraception but are afraid to take the next step?

Talk to a certified Natural Family Planning (NFP) teacher. Well-trained NFP teachers have lots of experience with couples who probably felt the same way. Sharing how these couples transitioned from contraception to trusting their bodies as God made them and NFP science can help alleviate their fears.

You write of the beautiful example of your parent's marriage. What were some of the concrete ways they showed reverence for each other?

In many small ways my parents showed their reverence for each other. For example, when getting ready to go out, whether it was to visit a relative, or participate in a parish activity, my mother would iron my father’s clothes. Since my father worked nights, my mother would ensure that my siblings and I would not make lots of noise when he was sleeping. She most definitely conveyed a sense of how we needed to respect the fact that he sacrificed so much for us all. My father would not only compliment my mother regularly (e.g., food, cleanliness of the apartment, how she looked, etc.), but would also remind us that we had a treasure in our mother. And, with regard to both, if they ever had a fight, both would almost immediately ask the other for forgiveness and apologize. There was always a palpable sense between the two of them that they cherished each other.

Action Items:

• Read Humanae Vitae. If you are a married couple, maybe sit down once a week and break it into parts to discuss and reflect upon.
• Increase the reverence and respect you show your spouse through little acts of love throughout the day—a note, a compliment, a thoughtful gesture.
• Ask yourself what can I do today to love like God? Do I need to seek forgiveness from my spouse? Is there a hurt that I need to forgive? Am I following God's design for marriage in the way I treat my spouse?