On Living Without Obsessive Regret

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Do you have regrets that haunt you?

Some of you might recall the song ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ by Harry Chapin. It’s about a busy dad who has no time for his little boy and misses all the important moments in his son’s life. When he finally does want to spend time with his son (who is now older), it is too late. His son has turned out just like him. It’s a song about regret over choices made by a busy dad.

Do you have regrets that haunt you? Paths chosen when you could have gone another way, dreams you could have pursued but never did, choices made to invest time and energy in work instead of relationships? What’s a healthy way to deal with regret? As Christians guided by our faith, what should our response be?

After my marriage, I obsessed over my mistakes and how my behavior contributed to its demise.

In my marriage, there were times when I was emotionally immature and combative. I found it more important to be proven right in an argument than to love my wife. My actions contributed in part to the breakdown of my marriage. It took a few years of self-reflection on my part and the wise counsel of friends to recognize how I had failed and take steps to correct that destructive behavior.

For some time, I did obsess over my mistakes and let me tell you, it can drive you to depression. Thanks to the intervention of friends, I recognized the harm such thinking was causing. I asked forgiveness of God, my ex and my children and by His grace, was able to put the past behind me and move forward knowing that I had new tools and that God was with me to help me have healthy communication in future relationships.

In the movie, “Under the Tuscan Sun,” Catherine says to Francesca, “Regrets are a waste of time. They’re the past crippling you in the present.

The following are some steps that you may find helpful to let go of past mistakes and press on with hope for the future.

1. A good confession cleanses the soul and is the place to begin. Ask God to forgive you for what you have done wrong and receive His forgiveness through the sacrament of reconciliation.

2. Stop beating yourself up for past mistakes. We’re all human and fall short. We’ve hurt people by our actions, but we can’t change the past. So, resolve to do better with God’s grace and move forward.

3. Don't dwell on past choices. Dwelling and obsessing over failed relationships or bad life choices keeps us from embracing new opportunities that are staring us in the face—because we are looking back instead of looking forward.

4. Recognize that your self-awareness has heightened because of your past choices and you are evaluating the past with this newly gained awareness. It’s quite likely you did not have the tools you now have, to have made a better choice at the time. Life is all about growth. Rejoice that you are better equipped to deal with the future.

We all get opportunities for a “do-over” in life. Some of us are here on CatholicMatch for exactly that reason. Perhaps your previous marriage ended in divorce. You regret your part in its failure and want to carry the lessons learned into your next marriage. Obsessive regret keeps us from embracing new opportunities and is a sure way to derail another relationship.

So, forgive yourself for the past. You did what you were able to do with the knowledge you had at the time.

You’ve grown since then in maturity, knowledge and grace. God is shaping you and molding you into the image of His Son. You are a new creation in Christ. Embrace that. Let go of the past. Leave it at the foot of the cross and walk forward with hope for the future. As someone once said, "You can't go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

Here are some helpful verses from Sacred Scripture to meditate on and ask God to renew your mind with His word and “put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.”

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