When You Have to Break Up With a Great Person

Maybe you’ve been there like I have.

You meet a man or woman and hit it off. The conversation flows easily, you are attracted to each other, and find lots of interesting things to talk about. You balance each other out, laugh easily, and get along well together. Later on, you have vulnerable, honest conversations on things like boundaries, healthy sexuality, expectations, spirituality, past relationships, addictions, your hopes and dreams for life, etc.

You decide to seriously date each other. You spend more time together with both of your families and friends. You continue to learn, grow, and explore life together. You feel peace in that decision, in pursuing a committed, intentional relationship with this person. Time goes on, and perhaps you see a future with this person through the sacrament of holy matrimony.

But then somewhere along the way, your peace leaves you.

And for whatever reason you may not fully understand yourself, you don’t have peace moving forward in dating this person.

Has this ever happened to you?

I recently went through this experience myself, of breaking up with a very good, honorable man who I thought was the right guy for me, someone I would hopefully marry someday and share my life with.

It was the first serious relationship after my divorce and annulment. And while my heart is grieving this relationship and I feel heartbroken, I have perfect peace that for whatever reason (even though I don’t fully understand why!) I made the right choice.

I am taking the time and space to grieve the loss of this man in my life. I am taking time to recall all the good things he taught me, like how to love and trust again after the pain of a broken marriage. I am grateful for all that I learned about myself as a woman; there are good, honorable men in this world and I can share my heart with someone.

Working with my counselor, I am grieving, growing, and reflecting on these past ten months. So what do you do?

What do you do when the man you thought was “the” guy is actually not?

Well in all honesty, I am still working through that in my own life with the help of my spiritual director and counselor. It may look different for you than me. But I can share with you what has been helpful and life-giving as I work this out in my own life right now:

1. Acknowledge the gifts of the relationship and lessons you learned. One of the first things I did was take a notebook and on four separate pages, I wrote four different questions: What were the gifts of this relationship? What were the lessons I learned about myself? What did I like about this relationship? What did I not like? What would I do differently in a future relationship?

Taking the time to reflect on a past relationship is a very healthy thing to do. Every relationship in our life has lessons to teach us, and before we decide to date again you have to work through a past relationship before starting a new one. Grieve your loss. Allow your heart to be sad.

2. Take the time to grieve before starting to date again. The solution to recent heartbreak is NOT a new relationship. You need to honestly and boldly work through your grief and sadness before dating again. It is the wisest and healthiest thing to do. Dating when you are not emotionally or spiritually ready to do so will either attract the wrong kind of person or just further confuse your heart because you didn’t take the time to do your healing work.

3. Go to Adoration. As I work through my sadness and broken heart, bringing it to Jesus is the best way to process and honestly name what I am feeling. Don’t avoid your feelings; God already knows exactly what you are going through. He can handle what you’re thinking and feeling. Think of going to Eucharistic Adoration as a divine band-aid on your heart from Jesus for the hurt or pain you are working through. It is really the best place to start and begin any healing work.

4. Follow the peace. One of the most basic things I have learned about discerning the will of God is to follow the peace, because in the will of God is great peace. Peace is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, so if the fruits of the Spirit are in are life that can be a good indication that we are doing the will of God. But peace when it comes to discerning relationships is a good sign to look for because there is always peace in the will of God. And on when days the sadness feels like it consumes my little heart, I cling to that hopeful promise of the peace of God leading my heart.

What helps you work through the heartbreak of a broken relationship?

What are you doing to find your bearings and heal in healthy ways?