The Key to a Great Relationship Is…Prudence?

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.”

Last but not least of the four virtues is prudence, also known as practical wisdom. Aristotle defines it as, “a reasoned and true state of capacity to act with regard to human goods.” In other words, prudence means reason applied to individual actions: the habit of discerning and acting out the best course available.

Like fortitude, prudence is both a virtue in itself and all the other virtues correctly applied. It could even be said that it is the virtue that temporizes the other virtues by subjecting them to the limitations and changing circumstances of human life. It’s the talent of correctly applying the virtues to concrete situations. If justice is strategy, prudence is tactics.

Prudence only deals with the specific and the possible, not the ideal or hypothetical.

This means that prudence only deals with the specific and the possible. It’s not a question of what would be ideal, but what can be done here and now, and what is likely to produce the desired outcome. For of course, how you go about something usually determines how successful you are.

Thus if your sense of justice says, “The most just thing would be if no one tried to swindle the elderly,” your sense of prudence would respond “Perhaps, but that is probably not going to happen and you certainly can’t bring it about in any case. The most just thing you can do, therefore, is help your great-aunt manage her finances to ensure that she, at least, isn’t swindled.”

Once again we see how all the virtues relate to one another: justice says what we ought to do, prudence tells us how we ought to do it, and temperance and fortitude guard us against undue influences from both our own desires and the outside world, respectively.

But because it's so specific and changes in each circumstance, it can be difficult to develop. Here's how.

As all this indicates, prudence is probably the most difficult of the virtues to grasp and develop because it is so fluid. What it demands changes with circumstance. Learning to be prudent, therefore, is a matter of experience, perception, humility, and knowledge that all take time to develop. That said, there is one key principle that can be adopted straightaway, and that is the habit of continually considering the end or purpose of your actions: what are you trying to achieve and why?

Now, the application of this question to relationships is fairly obvious: what do you hope to achieve from this relationship? Presumably, you want it to blossom into a settled, mutually enriching romantic relationship, which will proceed into a healthy and happy marriage. Very well, but then the question arises “Can I see myself having such a relationship with this person, and if so, what can I do to help bring that about?”

Prudence is the most crucial virtue when it comes to discerning who to marry.

It is Prudence, you see, more than any other virtue that allows us to discern the kind of person we ought to marry. It is by this virtue that we navigate the dangerous passage between being unrealistic on one hand and settling on the other.

Again, prudence deals only with the specific and the possible. Thus it steers us away from waiting for someone who is both practically perfect in every way and remarkably forgiving toward imperfection (since such people don’t really exist and waiting for them would mean we never marry at all, frustrating our desired end). At the same time, though, it also warns us off of settling for whatever moderately attractive and sympathetic person happens to come along simply because we’re tired of being alone (since our end is not simply any relationship but a health and happy relationship).

In other words, the prudent approach to relationships isn’t to ask whether someone has flaws or annoying personal quirks—of course she does—but whether a healthy and happy relationship is possible in spite of them, given your personality, her personality, and the surrounding circumstances.

Prudence, as said, is a tricky virtue to develop, but if you want to start practicing it, keep that vital question in mind: what am I trying to achieve and how can I achieve it? Ask yourself it as you go about your day and try very hard to be honest with yourself and to put its answers into practice. Quite apart from romantic matters, you will find that developing Prudence—just like developing all the virtues—will make for a happier, healthier, and more enriching life.

This is the fifth in a series of essays explaining the cardinal virtues and how each applies to our everyday lives. If you missed the first four installments, go back and read them here: Introduction; Part 1: Justice; Part 2: Temperance; Part 3: Fortitude.