The Introvert and Extrovert's Guide to Dating

Are you an extrovert, or an introvert?

Extroversion is a personality trait typically characterized by outgoingness, high energy, and/or talkativeness. In general, the term refers to a state of being where someone “recharges,” or draws energy, from being with other people; the opposite—drawing energy from being alone—is known as introversion. 

It’s an extrovert’s world. That’s the truth of it. Tips for meeting people, getting to know new friends, singles groups, business mixers—well, they are all designed by extroverts for extroverts. For those of us that are extroverted, it can be difficult to understand how someone could hate parties and ice breakers and mixers. They are so fun, after all.

However, for the estimated 25 to 40 percent of the population who are introverted, these things are not fun—not fun at all. That is not to say that introverts themselves are not fun. They are often incredibly fun and fascinating people. They just approach these group dynamics differently.

If you are an extrovert and you want to date an introvert, here are some things you should know.

1. There is a difference between being quiet and shy. A person may be quiet, but that does not mean they are shy. Your introverted friend may just like to take in a whole scene and observe rather than jump in the middle of a chaotic situation. 

2. Silence is actually golden. Just because your introverted friend is not talking does not mean he or she is not having a good time. Far from feeling awkward, he or she may actually be feeling quite comfortable.

3. That said, an introvert will likely not mind if the extrovert does most of the talking. They don’t see it as you monopolizing the conversation. They actually enjoy listening to and seeing what animates you.

Best dates for an introvert: 

• Going to a movie/play and then dinner or coffee after. It gives the introvert a chance to get comfortable without zapping their energy and then provides easy fodder for conversation after.

• Going to a used bookstore. Perusing old books and finding hidden gems together can feel like a true treasure hunt. Add a walk and a cup of tea and this is a perfect date for an introvert.

• Taking a class together. It could be anything from cooking to painting to self-defense, but taking a class together is a great way to get to know one another, because the focus is taken off the individual and put on the activity. And this frees a person to be more open to sharing bits about themselves.

Introverts, I see you there, with your extra-large cup of tea and that thick hardback book!

Clearly, you take C.S. Lewis’ adage to heart, “You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.” You may be on the group text inviting everyone to the bonfire or you may have seen in the bulletin that there will be a meet-and-greet for young adults. But truth be told, you entertained the idea of going for only about as long as it took to also recall the last time you tried and it was awkward as heck.

Yet, maybe there is an extrovert you wouldn’t mind dating.

Here are some things you should know:

1. Many extroverts do not understand introversion unless someone points it out to them. So you may have to gently remind your friend, “Introvert here. I am going to need some time to myself before I am ready to go to that party.”

2. Extroverts are not mind readers and because of their high energy they may not read hints so well. So, you will have to be explicit and say what you want. But, most of the time you don’t have to worry about an extrovert being offended. They are so eager to please that they will be glad to know what you want.

3. In the same way you, as an introvert will be ready for the party only after some alone time, your extroverted friend will be ready for some alone time only after the party. Communication will be the biggest key in making a lasting connection with someone who is your opposite.

Best dates for an extrovert:

• Concerts or festivals, likewise crowded pubs or clubs. An extrovert loves the stimulation of lots going on and many different activities to choose from and people to talk to. And a good extroverted date will make sure he or she drags you along for lots of fun and new experiences!

• Group games. Things like murder mystery parties, escape rooms, trivia nights. These things are fun for extroverts because they get to act outside themselves and they literally draw energy from those around them.

• Plus one. Do you have a wedding, office party, or work function where you can bring a “plus one”? Your extrovert is there for you. He or she does not mind that they won’t know anyone. They will help you to mingle, keep your drink filled, and be the perfect buffer for awkward conversations with that one relative who is too nosey. Your extrovert friend will thrive in this environment and will be happy you asked them to go.

Finding a happy medium.

While your activity preferences may be vastly different, there are plenty of things that could satisfy both of you and your delicate balance of energy and rest. Think about pairing an activity that is high energy with one that is low-key to craft a date that you can both enjoy and feel like you have gotten to know one another better.

For example, if you go to a loud party, think about a long walk afterward to get coffee and debrief. If you start with a used bookstore, think about ending at a pub for trivia night with other friends. 

The most important thing is that you communicate and that you actively listen to what the other needs and then guard that out of love for the other. The poet Rilke says, “I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other.”

That need may present differently and may have different requirements than what you need. This is why it is love and also why it is difficult. Rilke again advises, “To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks…”