What I Wish I Knew Before I Said 'I Do'

I’m a selfish man. I didn’t know how bad it was before I was married.

I do now.

Marriage has taught me more about myself than I ever could have imagined. And that’s one of the reasons why it’s amazing.

Did you grow up with some ideal of marriage? In our world today, that can typically mean a negative ideal of what marriage could be.

Often times these ideals are shaped by our experience. “I didn’t have much of a family life growing up,” is a consistent part of many stories. “My father wasn’t present in my life,” unfortunately is too common.

On the other side of the spectrum, some find difficulty in finding a future spouse who may not live up to unrealistic expectations.

First, take a good look at yourself

No matter which of these views you share, if you believe you are called to be married and are serious about finding a spouse, the first step is to take a good look at yourself.

Ask yourself:

• Am I ready to give my all to my spouse?
• Is anything holding me back?
• What are the ways I need to improve?

This is precisely what I wish I had done before I said I do.

I recently attended the wedding of a good friend. The priest’s advice to the husband was to cherish your wife and never lose the perspective that your wife is God’s little girl who has been entrusted to you.

St. Paul urges men to,

“Love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish… He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5: 25-28)

So, what did I wish I knew before I said I do?

I wish I knew how hard this would be for me to live.

I wish I had taken the time to root out more of my selfishness.

In college, I often waited on making any commitments to see if something better came around. I could binge watch Seinfeld with no problems. I didn’t stretch myself to meet more commitments and responsibility. I enjoyed being single without those commitments—and that was the problem!

Looking back, what were the things that helped me grow? The mission trip to the Dominican Republic, the restoration trip to New Orleans after Katrina, the two jobs I held every summer to earn money so I could afford college.

I bring all of who I am into my marriage

The fact is that I bring all of who I am into my marriage. Yes, my wife knew me well when we got married, and she married me despite my weaknesses and wants to help me get to heaven.

Daily life offers me many opportunities to give up my own desires for something greater—to be a devoted husband to my wife and a loving dad to my kids.

Coming home from work requires me to be in the right mindset to serve my wife and children.

Yes, I’m tired from traveling or from a long day. But, if I am to take St. Paul’s command to lay down my life for my wife as Christ loved the Church (Eph 5:25), I must have that mindset when I come home.

It would be so easy to look out for myself; to get some food, a drink and sit on the couch. But, that is not what being a husband and father is about. It’s about preparing myself on my drive home so that I can give my wife a break, instead of taking one myself.

It’s about making my wife a priority after a long day, and helping with dinner and wrestling with the kids. I admit, I still fail sometimes, but I know what I should be doing, and give it my best.

Jesus’ image of laying down his life for the Church is the icon of a spousal relationship. Have I created a habit of laying down my life?

It’s never too late.

What marriage is really about

I’ve learned that in those long days, marriage is about mutual service, not about coming home and being expected to be served. And this is precisely what I can never forget.

God continues to give me opportunities to grow in virtue, to say no to my own selfish desires, and I’m grateful for that.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church points out that one of the great gifts of marriage is that it helps us grow in holiness.

“After the fall, marriage helps us to overcome self-absorption, egoism, pursuit of one’s own pleasure, and to open oneself to the other, to mutual aid and to self-giving” (CCC, 1609).

That is one reason why he called me to the vocation of marriage. The beauty of it is that we’re in it together, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

How single Catholics can prepare for marriage right now

The key to preparing for marriage is to take advantage of the single life. Don’t miss out on opportunities to grow in virtue, to overcome selfishness now.

Whether you are dating, looking for a date, engaged, or married, keep these four things in mind:

1. Reflect on Ephesians 5 monthly. How are you preparing yourself to lay down your life?
2. Practice saying “no” to yourself. Go on a mission trip. Volunteer in your community. Grab a friend and train for a marathon. Greatness can be cultivated by going outside yourself.
3. You will never be perfect, so don’t wait for that day. After all, your spouse is supposed to help you.
4. Pray. Beg God for the grace to become who He created you to be.

I’m convinced that if you keep these simple things in mind, you will continue to develop into the spouse you are meant to be.

It’s never too late.