Think You're Ready For Marriage?

29

There is a wonderful priest, Father Peter, who has facilitated the Three To Get Married pre-cana program in his diocese for many years and has helped hundreds of engaged couples prepare for this very important event in their lives; their wedding day and life together. After each program concludes, he has participants fill out an exit survey so he can collect feedback on the program.

He's admitted at times that it is a frustrating process. He says that, despite his best efforts to inform these couples of the important issues involved in getting married, a lot of them don't really seem to care. The majority of the couples, according to Father Peter, state the only reason they attended the program was at the behest of their parents or parish priest so they could be married in the Catholic Church. He states that a common response would be: We appreciate your efforts but we feel the Church's attitude toward contraception and co-habitation is outdated and not inline with our lifestyle. In the end, he knows that all he can do is try his best to impress the sanctity of marriage upon these couples and then let them go their own way. Many of these same couples come back for counseling when their marriages start to fall apart.

Why do so many people take preparation for marriage so lightly? This is very discouraging, especially when the high rate of divorce is no secret. There are many reasons why this is the case, but in my opinion, too many engaged couples just don't understand what it takes to make a marriage last. Divorce has become such a common theme in our society, that many engaged couples will consider it as a Plan B.

Are you ready for marriage?

Do you understand what a lifetime commitment means? My hunch is you probably do, but I'd like to offer you a little self-assessment as a checkpoint, just in case.

1.     Do you understand the permanency of marriage?

Despite the fact that many Catholic couples get divorced, it is not supposed to be that way. A sacramental marriage should remain intact until one or both spouses die and most people feel they can agree to this in the beginning. But, when it gets tough—really tough—that commitment can weaken and become flimsy to the point of breaking. Let's face it, you don't really know someone until you've been married to them and gone through the tough times. So you have to ask yourself now—before you marry—are you really willing to stick it out no matter what? A lot of people respond with something like, "The word 'divorce' is not in my vocabulary" or "Divorce is not an option." But the word "divorce" is not really what you should be worried about. There are other words that precede "divorce" that open the gate to the slippery slope and make the word "divorce" a distinct possibility. Words like I didn't sign up for this! or You're not the same person I married! are the really dangerous culprits. When your marriage doesn't look the way you imagined it would, the easy thing to do is quit. The difficult thing, but the one that will bring you the most satisfaction, is accepting this as an opportunity to grow with each other and find a deeper level of love than you had before.

It is a love which is total—that very special form of personal friendship in which husband and wife generously share everything, allowing no unreasonable exceptions and not thinking solely of their own convenience. Whoever really loves his partner loves not only for what he receives, but loves that partner for the partner's own sake, content to be able to enrich the other with the gift of himself.”

Pope Paul VI, Of Human Life: Humanae Vitae

2.     Do you have an ulterior motive for getting married?

Believe it or not, many marriages are declared "null" on the grounds that one or both spouses were not free to marry. The obvious reason that would invalidate a union is a couple who marries to get a spouse a green card or for some form of protection from something or someone. But it goes much farther than that. There are people who get married just to get out of a particular situation like abusive home life, caring for an elderly relative, etc. There are people who get married because they feel pressured to by their parents or some other strong influence. Some people get married just so they can save face and say they are married. Getting married under any of these conditions would not create a valid union and more often than not, would be highly susceptible to divorce.

3.     Do you understand the true purpose of sexual intimacy?

People tend to believe the Catholic perspective on having sex is old fashioned and out-dated. They think that Catholics are taught that having sex is bad and that the Church frowns upon people who enjoy it. But nothing could be further from the truth. The Catholic Church’s perspective is that sex is a good thing and people should have more of it. If more married couples enjoyed more of the intimacy that comes with good sex, the divorce rate in our country would plummet.

But sex is not just about pleasure, it is about procreation, the incredible miracle of how a husband and wife come together in love. God breathes life into a tiny being they have created. Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife was created for bringing new life into the world and for the good of the spouses.

4.    Do you understand why using artificial contraception damages your marriage?

Aside from the long list of health risks and dangers that come with all forms of artificial contraception, the other dangers lie in it's ability to chip away at the mutual trust, love and respect spouses should have for each other. There are many stories of husbands and wives who felt they couldn't trust each other when one traveled away from home because they felt their spouse might cheat if he or she used birth control and there were no tell-tale consequences. Birth control also objectifies the spouses' bodies and reduces the marital act to lust.

5.    Do you have goals for the future?

Do you want to stay home and have children? Are you an entrepreneur who wants to grow your own business? Do you want to live in the French countryside someday? Are you working toward a pilot's license? These are all good and important things to have that will A) present opportunities for meaningful discussions about where you are headed as a couple and how you will get there and B) great motivators to persevere when times get tough financially or otherwise.

6.    Do you have lingering feelings for someone else?

You may or may not be aware, but Facebook makes divorce easy. This social media tool is too often used by married people to find their lost loves of the past and abandon their marriages. If you really care about someone, why would you marry someone else? Responses such as He married someone else first or We broke up and lost contact don't make it okay to marry someone else if you have unresolved feelings. You need to take care of that part of your life before you commit to someone else. Don't make any plans to marry if your heart really lies with someone else.

And here's a bonus question, just for fun:

7.   If you wanted to get married but could only afford a small wedding at an inexpensive venue, would you still get married?

There is nothing wrong with having a big, beautiful wedding. It's not a sin to want 12 bridesmaids or to wear that gown you've been dreaming of since you were 12 years old. Nothing wrong with BIG. But if a lavish wedding is more important to you than the actual marriage, you might want to re-think your priorities a bit. Many of the authors on CatholicMatch have written quite eloquently on this subject and I stand in support of what all of them have said. That's because I've learned from experience... I've done it the wrong way (big, lavish wedding was more important) and I've done it the right way (focused on my spouse and my vows) and believe me, there's an incredible difference. The bottom line is, be more concerned about the vows than with the party.

I appreciate the fact you read my articles and I do hope you find them helpful. You can always give me your critique by sending an email to asklisa@catholicmatch.com or keep up with me on Twitter @lisaduffy.

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 10659 times —