Want to Stay Married for a Lifetime? Be Intentional. (Video)

It was a cold and snowy night in a small burb in Wisconsin. Forecasters were predicting over 12 inches of snow followed by strong gusty winds which meant school would be cancelled for the next day. This meant that my roommate and I, both school teachers, could go out rather than stay in and correct papers. We headed out to a local “establishment” (AKA bar) to check out the nightlife.

I spotted him as soon as the door opened. Sitting on the far side of the room was this guy. His dark hair, easy smile and hearty laughter filled my senses with a giddiness that I had never felt before.

And then I noticed her.

He was sitting next to another teacher and it appeared that they were there together. The teacher noticed us and waved. She wanted us to come over. He turned and looked my way. Our eyes met. My knees rubberized. My heart exploded.

My roommate and I walked over. Our mutual teacher friend introduced us. He immediately began to ask me questions and somehow I responded. It was hard to stay calm and act nonchalant because he was so wonderful.

In those first few moments we found out that we were both from large Catholic families, that our fathers were both business owners and that our mothers had the same name. He asked questions that I also wanted to ask. It seemed like stars were colliding above the snowy skies.

After a few minutes, it became apparent that “the date” wanted us to move on. We said goodbye. I remembered thinking that if this teacher could meet someone as nice as this in a city with more cows than people, there was hope for me.

A few days later, “the date” shared with me that she was head over heels smitten with this guy. She was already dreaming about the wedding they would have. She went on and on about his charm and wit; his manners and sense of humor. I listened without enthusiasm.

About two weeks later, he called and asked me out. I accepted cautiously because, in my mind, he was “going” with someone else. Our first date was wonderful and so was the second. On the third date, I confronted him about dating two women at one time. He said he wasn’t. I explained to him what “the date” had shared with me. Smiling, he said, he would clear it up. He left for about an hour. When he came back, he said that he had talked with “the date” and told her he was going to date me.

This is the first chapter of a love story that continues to grow stronger each year. After 38 years, three children and six grandchildren a question that many young couples ask me is, “what did you do to stay together all these years.” If there is one word to describe why we’ve made it this far, it would have to be intentional. We have intentionally worked at staying married.

If you go back and reread chapter one you will see that we were both intentional from the beginning. He asked intentional questions. I intentionally called him out on the idea of dating two women at the same time. He intentionally told “the date” that I was his date.

Intentionality means that you do things on purpose. Instead of sliding into something or feeling your way forward, you think before acting. You talk and discuss and perhaps argue a bit. You get your act together and then proceed.

Over the past 36 years, we have made it clear to each other and to everyone around us that our marriage is going to last through every trial and challenge the world tosses our way. We have agreed to integrate who we are rather than isolate our lives. Let me give you 10 concrete examples of what I mean.

1. We joined our finances because nothing demonstrates a plan to stay together more than joint savings and checking accounts.
2. We bought a house together, putting ourselves under the weight of a manageable debt. We chose a small house rather than something larger so that we always had to be close to each other.
3. We bought a queen size bed rather than a king. The same logic applied to our bed as to our house.
4. We had children right away. (Guess that closeness worked!) The kids kept us up at night, cost us money, made us see red and taught us how to become a team.
5. We socialized more often as a couple rather than as singles often making a statement that we were more fun as a duo than a solo.
6. We learned each other’s “hot buttons” and then promised to never push them.
7. We had weekly meetings to discuss what the next week entailed. This gave us time to enter into each other’s work world and feel with and for the other.
8. We challenged ourselves to play the game of follow the leader. In the garage, he leads and I follow. In the kitchen, I lead and he follows. (Who knew that this simple child’s game could be so profoundly trying?)
9. We choose to laugh in the presence of stress and listen to each other in the company of pain. One of our favorite sayings is, “this too shall pass.”
10. We seek our emotional support from each other and not from our friends or family members. When either of our hearts become troubled, we reach no farther than the hands we held the day we exchanged our vows.

It would be an error on my part to omit the greatest reason we are still joyfully married today; the plain fact is that God intentionally brought us together that snowy night a long time ago. He has always been the “third” person in our marriage. It is His presence in our intentionality that has truly made the difference.