None of us likes to feel shame. It’s one of the worst feelings.
A burning, humiliating sense that we have done something wrong or bad or hurtful. It suggests that we are flawed and something is wrong with us. And it’s right.
But is that an inherently bad thing?
When someone tries to make us feel shame, it’s not always right. Sometimes we simply make mistakes or a thoughtless comment or do something stupid. Others would like to make us feel bad about it. But the mistake we made doesn’t mean we are inherently bad. Maybe we just did something stupid or careless.
We should never let ourselves be defined by shame.
But shame can sometimes actually be a good thing.
If we have legitimately done something shameful, then shame is the right and natural response. And it arises for a reason. If we feel it, it’s a sign that we are human and good. Sociopaths don’t feel shame.
As an August 18, 2016 article in Psychology Today says: “A positive aspect of shame is that it tells us when we’ve hurt someone, when we’ve crossed a boundary that violates a person’s dignity.” If we recognize that’s happened because of our actions or words, that’s proof that we are not sociopathic. We are human and healthy.
If we have hurt someone’s dignity—another person’s or our own—then shame is the natural and healthy response.
It’s a painful marker leading us down the path of grace and dignity.
In my first marriage, I went out one night with coworkers and we had too many beers and I had to call my wife and tell her I needed to sleep overnight with a friend to be safe. The next day was her birthday. We had plans to go to Disneyland to celebrate. But on her birthday morning, I wasn’t there because I had been selfish the night before.
The next morning, sobered up, I drove back home and we went to Disneyland and had a fun time. But I felt real shame that I had not been there with her the night before. I drank too much and she had to sleep alone the night before her birthday. I failed as a husband. Years later, I still regret it.
But what if that transgression had not bothered me? That would mean something was deeply wrong with me. Instead, the shame I felt was a sign that something was still right with me. It meant I cared for her and that’s why I felt bad about not being there for her on the eve of her special day. In that situation, shame was the right and healthy response.
Like all things in God’s economy, even shame can be a good thing that points us back in the right direction.
And years later, my shame about that moment is still a reminder—an action of grace—that reminds me to not make the same mistake again.
In the 2005-2009 TV series My Name Is Earl, there was an episode where the main character Earl, trying to make amends for his life mistakes, meets with his former mother-in-law. She has been pretending to be sick and disabled, but he learns she has been faking and she actually has a gambling problem. When she’s confronted about it, she responds: “Don’t you judge me!”
Her response is a result of shame. She inherently knows she has been wrong but she doesn’t want to admit or own it. It’s easier for her to accuse others of judging her. But maybe judgment is what she needs.
Maybe judgment is what we all sometimes need, when we have acted shamefully.
Jesus said not to judge lest we be judged.
But I don’t think that means we are supposed to let people, including ourselves, get away with behavior that has hurt us or someone else.
Sometimes we need to be judged. Sometimes we need to be shamed. In a healthy way. Because it might be the only way that forces us to correct our behavior, repent, and act lovingly and justly in the future.
Yes, shame can be unhealthy and bad. But, no, shame is not always unhealthy or bad.
Shame can be the seed that blooms into grace and the determination to live a better, holier life. God can use anything, even shame.
Don’t be afraid of shame when you realize you have actually done something shameful.
It is a legitimate and holy feeling that you are feeling for a good and holy reason. It’s directing you back to God and love of others. And when you repent and make a decision to live according to God’s way, then shame is transformed into grace and there is no condemnation.
Romans, chapter 8 says:
Hence, now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has freed you from the law of sin and death…
For those who live according to the flesh are concerned with the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit with the things of the spirit. The concern of the flesh is death, but the concern of the spirit is life and peace.
When you feel legitimate shame, it means your spirit’s concern is life and peace. That’s a good thing. If you’ve done something shameful, then let shame do its good work and make you healthier, holier, and happier going forward.
