Grieve the Past, But Keep On Living

I received a Facebook message from my former mother-in-law the other day. 

It informed me that her daughter, my ex-wife, was going to have to put down our old dog we had when we were married. 

When my ex and I divorced, she kept the dog, a pug named Lucy. Among many things I lost in our failed marriage, our pet was one of them. But I moved on with my life. I hadn’t seen my ex—or Lucy—in several years.

I remained Facebook friends with my former mother-in-law. There was no animosity between me and my ex’s family. It was just a marriage that didn’t work out. 

We all still wished each other well and prayed for each other.

So I wasn’t surprised when a Facebook message popped up.

What did surprise me was my reaction to learning that Lucy was going to be put down. As soon as I read the message, accompanied by a photo of Lucy, I burst into tears. I hadn’t seen that dog in years and I never really thought about her. But the news of her death pressed on a wound that was apparently still there. 

Early in our marriage, my ex and I bought Lucy from a breeder. We raised her through the years from a hyper puppy to a lazy pug who just liked to lay on the couch and eat treats. She was part of our shared history. So when I heard that she was going to die, it reminded me that my previous marriage had died. Unexpectedly, old emotions welled up.

Sometimes a loss in life triggers memories and emotions associated with other losses.

The passing of a pet can you remind you of the death of a marriage, of a life you once knew. 

And suddenly you’re grieving again. Not just for Lucy the pug, but for the life you had before. 

What makes it stranger is that I am happily remarried to a new woman now. I don’t want my old life back. Even so, hearing news of losing Lucy triggered old feelings from my past. Despite where I am now, my old life was real. I lived. I loved. I had a dog. 

Every experience we have becomes a part of us, like it or not. The things we lived and felt, the good times and the pain, it’s all still there, living within us somewhere. It’s nothing to fear or be ashamed of. It’s just part of reality, of life. Our experiences get woven into our emotional DNA. We cannot extract them.

When I received the news, I told my new wife. I was in tears and embarrassed. I was afraid she would be upset that I was sad about my old dog from my previous marriage. To my relief, my new wife wrapped me in her arms and let me cry. She even suggested I could contact my former wife if I needed to. She was magnanimous, a gift from God.

With my wife’s permission, I did email my ex just to acknowledge her grief and to thank her for being a good mom to Lucy throughout the years. That’s all I needed to say. 

I wasn’t trying to rekindle a relationship with her.

I just wanted to acknowledge our shared sadness over something significant. 

My ex emailed back and thanked me and congratulated me on my new marriage. We were both older now, wizened by the years. We had forgiven each other for past mistakes and hurts. We didn’t want to get back together. But it was natural for us to share our grief over the little dog we had shared during our marriage.

Lucy’s passing did stir up memories of my previous marriage, of the life I used to have. I once again had to feel the sadness of the failure of my first marriage, of all the loss that came with that. 

Grief is not a one-time thing that happens and then is over and done with. Sometimes a fresh loss digs deep into pain that is still there and must be grieved anew.

But let me stress again: This does not mean we want our former life back. It simply means we are human.

Humans are a messy mix of experiences and emotions and memories. What happened in the past will always, in some way, be a part of us. 

Wounds heal but still leave a scar. And when pressed on, scars still hurt. 

If you are struggling with pain from your past, don’t despair or judge yourself. It just means you are human and alive and capable of loving. It does not necessarily mean you are stuck in the past. It maybe just means the past is stuck in you, but that’s normal. We accumulate experiences throughout life and we carry all those experiences with us.

Author Madeline L’Engle said: “I am still every age that I have been. Because I was once a child, I am always a child. Because I was once a searching adolescent, given to moods and ecstasies, these are still part of me, and always will be... This does not mean that I ought to be trapped or enclosed in any of these ages...”

The good news is that we are capable of moving on. 

You may sometimes feel pangs of grief or regret. That’s okay. Let yourself feel them. Don’t judge yourself. They are just feelings, and feelings are a natural part of being human. Feel those feelings, but then continue living the life that God has given you now, this current life with all its blessings. 

Like a bad country song, I once lost my wife and I lost my dog. But I’ve gained a lot since then too, and that’s just as much a reality as all I lost. I would not trade the life I have now for what I had before, but I’m still allowed to grieve what was lost, even when it comes in an unexpected wave years later. 

We are not slaves to our past or our feelings. We make choices to love and live now. So my advice from losing Lucy is this: Be human. Mourn your losses. But also enjoy the blessings of today.