These 3 Tips Will Help You Break The News That You're Divorced

My heart was pounding as I rang my next-door neighbor, Linda's, doorbell. In the 10 seconds or so I waited for her to answer, my mind raced with all the possible ways I could announce that I was moving. I was, not we, as in my husband and I. He had filed for divorce, and although I didn't want to divorce, I decided it was time for me to move out.

The door opened and I saw her smiling face. I opened my mouth to speak, but broke into sobbing tears when I tried to say something. I was just as much embarrassed as I was heartbroken. Such would be my life for the next many years.

Linda brought me inside and got me a glass of water and some tissues. When I was finally able to speak, I told her what was going on and that I had come to say goodbye because I would be moving out the next day. Linda was cordial enough, but I could immediately tell I had put her in a predicament, namely, wondering how she and her husband would react to my soon-to-be-ex-husband when they saw him. I suddenly felt terrible I had come over at all, but what was the right thing to do? Leave without a word? I made the visit short and sweet, but left wondering... If it was that difficult to tell my neighbor what was going on, how I would ever be able to face others with this news?

Facing Reality

Unfortunately, divorce happens for many reasons despite the Catholic Church's upholding of Christ's teaching on divorce. For some, it is an excuse to exit an unhappy marriage. For others, it is forced upon them, whether they are the abandoned spouse or choose that option as a means of protection from an abusive relationship. That's not some bogus way of saying divorce is okay, because it's not okay. But it is the reality we live in, and one we must deal with.

That being said, having to tell others you are divorced is a difficult announcement to make. So, if you're a Catholic who is newly divorced and trying to figure out how to tell the people in your life who need to know, how do you deal with announcing this news in an appropriate way?

The short answer to this question is, with prudence. The long answer translates to first, taking into consideration to whom you are making the announcement, knowing how much information to offer, and being prepared respond to people's varied reactions.

Here are some tips that can help you prepare to make this announcement:

1.   Pain Is Uncomfortable

Remember that people who are suffering make other people feel uncomfortable and oftentimes awkward. A natural reaction is one that makes them want to fix your situation. Even though they can't "fix" you, they will sometimes offer advice to help, which may or may not actually be helpful. Some people don't understand the scope of what you're going through and will say things like, "You're better off without him/her" or "Now you can get on with the rest of your life." These statements can be hurtful without the one who says them understanding that. Despite the pain, don't let it get under your skin. Let it go. I understand that is a difficult thing to ask when you're already immersed in a world of hurt, but in the long run, you will be more at peace.

2.   Prudence Is King

Prudence is an important virtue to employ in these situations and people you talk to are on a need-to-know basis. People who are close to you and trustworthy should receive as much detail and explanation as you are comfortable with, and other people you don't know well or do not trust don't need to know the details.

3.   Don't Be Defensive

This is a hard one because announcing a divorce would normally put most people on the defensive. But, especially if you are the abandoned spouse and someone you know is mistreating you because of circumstances you cannot control, let it go. Pray for that person and offer up your suffering for them.

In the end, remember one very important thing, and that is that your divorce does not define who you are, it's just something that's happened to you. You are still important to those who know and love you, you're still an important member of the Church and your individual parish. You still have great things waiting for you in the future. Don't lose sight of that and remember you are in my daily prayers.