Life After The Death Of Your Spouse

Editor's Note: The CatholicMatch community is a vibrant collection of singles from all walks of life and life histories. The authors who contribute articles work hard to provide content to readers that is accurate, relevant, and hopefully interesting to the reader. There is a consistent stream of articles related to dating, engagement, marriage and divorce, and so in this two-part article series, Lisa Duffy addresses a part of our community that doesn't get that much attention—those who have lost a spouse through death.

Newly single widows and widowers have a unique set of circumstances to deal with in regard to healing and finding a new relationship. I would like to introduce you to two of our members who expressed a desire to share their experiences and what has helped them heal and start dating again. Allow me to first introduce you to Michael.

Michael was married for 50 years and lost his spouse just last year. His wife was an R.N. caring for patients in a hospital emergency room. She was diagnosed with a serious heart disease for nearly 20 years. Since her condition made it impossible for her to attend Mass, Michael became her Eucharistic Minister. Eventually, her illness escalated and she was sent to hospice. Three days after entering, a local Catholic priest administered the sacrament of the sick and she passed into eternity surrounded by Michael and their five adult children. He shared some important insights about rebuilding his life afterward:

"The greatest challenge I experienced was mental confusion and an inability to focus on small task completion. Before one task was done, I had started something else and some time elapsed before the urgent and important task was completed. Grief unexpectedly would overcome me after talking to someone. When asked, I said I was ok, but then I almost went to tears moments later. Recovery was slow and took significant effort to overcome my feelings of loss and the emptiness in my core. When alone, I sensed my spouse was in another room, of course she was not there when I looked. That loneliness is profound in my grief. It becomes a sickness that a cure doesn’t treat. Nothing, no substitute takes it away.

There are local people and 'group Meetup activities' to fill activity time and the opportunity for the mind to focus on some new tasks. But loneliness comes back as each Meetup event completes. I was registered in several groups to feed starving children, go to concerts, museums and the like. I longed for real conversation and real companionship. I was going to 'Caregiver Support' and now 'Widow / Widowers Support' groups at my parish. It helps to know my experiences have helped others."

I asked Michael what steps he has taken to find healing, and what he has found most helpful. His reply was encouraging:

"Moving on was all guesswork as well as trial and error. But each situation must be experienced for its unique passage. Through CatholicMatch I have met some wonderful ladies and have been dating one exclusively for a while. Finding a prospective marriage partner helped me a great deal to discover I can love again, I have a better sense of who I am and God’s purpose in my life. I improved my Catholic commitment to daily prayer and she helped me discover what I have is worthy for the balance of my life. I learned to laugh at myself, question my values and communicate them better."

Finally, I asked Michael what advice he would give to a newly widowed spouse:

"Find yourself alone with God at the Final Judgment and pray for his wisdom to how you can better know him, love him and serve him for the balance of your life. Listen for the mental Jimminy Cricket in your mind giving answers, and take the good ones. Taking time to grieve even when you are invincible, is worthy of your time. Take time for yourself, somehow get a new perspective with your extended family – meet them, love them and spread your love to new horizons of volunteering where possible.

Keep the faith, God loves you."

Loss of any love is difficult. It's important to be able to support one another through these life events and I thank Michael for sharing his experiences. Once again, it reveals how important a community like CatholicMatch is for newly single Catholics.

Got questions? Feel free to send them to me at asklisa@catholicmatch.com.