How to Care for Your Loved One When They're Unwell
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As I write this I am sitting at my kitchen table, nursing my third cup of coffee.
Seven of my nine children are here, six more-than-welcomed guests, and one very unwelcome one, named Stomach Flu. Everyone is somewhere sleeping, retching, or whining. The only two upwardly mobile people are me and my 19-year-old son. And so we have spent the morning running baths, making tea, changing bedding, washing dishes, and doing endless laundry. It is nice to have a partner in the corporal work of mercy of tending to the sick.
This got me thinking about one important question that was not asked in my marriage preparation class, “How do you handle sickness?” Everyone has their own way to navigate illness, ranging from “Leave me alone, I want to handle this by myself” to the other end of the spectrum “Hold my hand, bring me tea, don’t leave me please.”
In sickness and in health...
Knowing how your partner wants to be treated when sick can go a long way in demonstrating the love you feel. And as we often treat others the way we want to be treated, understanding and communicating how you want to be treated when sick can eliminate a lot of hurt feelings and/or annoyances the next time you catch a cold.
The responsibility falls on both parties to express needs and desires accurately and to extend grace and patience. It may take a moment to assess what your desires are and how you want to be treated so that can be communicated. Remember that your partner is not a mind reader—even when you feel too sick to express your needs. They still cannot read your mind. When in doubt, over-communicate.
Additionally, here are three ways to love your partner well in times of sickness:
1. Be present.
If your partner is the “leave me alone” type, your presence may still be appreciated, but not in the way you would think. While they may not want you to touch them or cuddle them, they may appreciate that when they open their eyes after a long nap that there is a glass of water and a lemon on a plate on the nightstand. They may not want to make conversation, but hearing your putter around the kitchen baking something or calmly reading in a chair on the other side of the room may be comforting—even if they cannot express it in the moment.
If your partner is the “be with me” type, your presence can mean the world. They may want someone to stream movies, bring tea (and drink tea with them), offer hugs or massages, or words of encouragement.
If you don’t know which category your loved one falls into, try asking their parents! They have likely seen them through a few colds, chickenpox, or even a hangover and know what works and what doesn’t. It never hurts to get the insider info.
2. Pray.
Prayer is powerful. Pray with your partner. Pray for your partner. In addition, there are other Sacramental and spiritual practices that can strengthen your relationship in times of illness—especially prolonged illness. Having Masses said, praying Novenas together, sharing healing relics, using Holy Water or Salt, etc. can all draw you together as a couple spiritually.
Look up the patron saint for your particular ailment and go to that saint together and ask for the grace to come out the other side. Example: St. Thérèse is a strong intercessor for those struggling to breathe, St. Erasmus is my go-to for gastrointestinal challenges, St. Gerard for morning sickness. If you are facing a prolonged illness, invest in an icon, holy card, or statue of that saint and place it on your home altar or mantle as a constant reminder of the healing graces they facilitate.
3. Solidarity.
Having someone walk with you through a trial (be it a small one like a cold or a big one like an autoimmune disease) means so much. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes, “Two are better than one: They get a good wage for their toil. If one falls, the other will help the fallen one. But woe to the solitary person! If that one should fall, there is no other to help. So also, if two sleep together, they keep each other warm. How can one alone keep warm? Where one alone may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken.” (4:9-12)
Walking with someone through physical suffering can mean more than just bringing chicken soup (although never underestimate the power of soup!). One person voluntarily taking up a penance in solidarity with the one who is enduring suffering without choice is encouraging beyond words.
The healthy one can bolster the morale of the one they love and petition for graces by offering up their suffering in solidarity with their sick partner. For example, if one of you has to go on a special diet, the other can try it alongside the other in true comradeship. If one person has to quarantine or give up sugar or rest more, making a similar penance on behalf of the other can be a wonderful way to share in the grace of healing.
And remember, as awful at it seems in the moment, there are seasons.
And the good thing about seasons is that they change. Ecclesiastes again counsels us,
“There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”
Times of illness can draw a couple closer together if they take time to really learn how they want one another to show up, appropriately express their needs, and act in charity toward one another.
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