One Unexpected Challenge of Going From Single to Married

This summer on July 17th, the daily Catholic Mass Scripture readings included a paraphrase of Psalm 95:8: “If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts.” That reminder was God speaking to me. It was one of five gifts which He gave me on that day which helped me overcome a brief spell of selfishness towards my wife.

A simple disagreement highlighted a clash of perspectives and desires. Who was right?

Years ago, I regularly biked through D.C. and some of the northern Virginia suburbs. I have the scar from a crash and near-misses with cars to prove it. After almost a year of not biking, I started up again this week. Unlike D.C., many of the roads in our neighborhood are very safe. My wife still asked me to take my driver’s license with me in case I got hurt. A former emergency room nurse, she’s treated people who were cycling experts. That didn’t stop them from getting badly injured.

I passive-aggressively resisted this reasonable request. I hadn’t done it when I was single and going for short rides. I didn’t want to do it now! I just wanted to focus on the ride, not my wife’s concerns for my health and safety. I did take the license with me. However, I also spent the next few minutes resisting uncharitable thoughts.

I reminded myself that marriage means putting the other spouse's good first.

Marital vows include putting the other person’s good first. Yet couples will always have to address circumstances in which their desires conflict. Spouses focused on God and each other’s happiness will successfully work through those times.

This license issue should not have led to such a situation. My wife was reasonably concerned about my safety. Taking the license did not reduce the quality of the ride. My wife even gave a good suggestion to ensure it didn’t slip out of my pocket while biking.

Taking the license could have been the smallest of sacrifices—putting my wife’s concern ahead of my “independence.” Instead, I acted self-centeredly. I selfishly resisted the right and easy answer. I wrestled with the situation for part of the ride. I realized I had overreacted. But it wasn’t until I read the Gospel Acclamation for Mass just after the ride that I really had hardened my heart. My wife was asking me to be safe out of love for me, just as God asks me to be spiritually safe out of love.

It didn't matter who was right or wrong. What mattered is that I had hardened my heart to my spouse's concern and love for me.

There are several gifts which I received from God upon reflection of this incident. The first was my wife’s love, which I initially treated poorly. The second was the Scripture reading. The third was an opportunity for Confession.

The fourth is my personal "Jiminy Cricket." My internal contrarian immediately demanded accountability when unreasonably uncharitable thoughts entered my mind. Why was I letting such a small issue lead me to a lack of charity? Looking at the license issue itself—was my wife overreacting? Was it reasonable to want a little bit of relaxation from always putting my spouse first? Was my wife’s concern well within marital norms?

Despite my frustrations, God blessed this revelation and used it to really edify me.

The answer I came to was that my wife’s concern was reasonable. Later, the Mass reading went one step further—I had hardened my heart.

A final gift was our priest’s presentation on meditative prayer at our church’s Men’s Group. Without that presentation (his explanation on the why and how of meditating with God), I wouldn’t have been inspired to read Scripture right after my bike ride. This was a tremendous gift because, as I've written about elsewhere, I struggle with meditative prayer. God provides bits of wisdom throughout the day, but for me, it takes meditative prayer to truly learn and apply God’s lessons.

Jesus said in the July 16 Gospel that anyone who puts mother, father, brother, or sister before Him is not worthy of Him. Similarly, especially as a man married less than a year, moments of independence must come after my wife and our just-born child.

Author’s note: This piece was edited and approved by my wife.