I didn't think things had changed THAT much...
A little while back, I sat around the breakfast table talking shop about relationships with three single thirty-something friends. I’ve been out of the dating scene for eight-ish years since becoming exclusive with my then-boyfriend-now-husband, but the topics of conversation around dating don’t seem to have changed significantly in the interim.
One of my friends shared how over the summer she met a guy at an out-of-state wedding, only to learn that they live about three hours apart in the same state—he’s in a major metropolitan area and she’s downstate in the (smaller) capital city. After an enjoyable weekend hanging out in large and small groups, they went their separate ways.
They had texted casually a time or two, but nothing else had happened. Of course, she had looked him up on CatholicMatch, I learned, but that’s the part of the story where I got confused. She felt adamant about not clicking on his profile because inevitably he would see that she had viewed it. To her, looking at his profile, let alone “liking” it or sending him a message, was "way too bold" and "a little desperate" and therefore "unthinkable".
I looked at my independent, go-getter, working-girl friend in disbelief.
“Come again?” Surely, I had misunderstood. But, she was insistent. If he had wanted to start something with her after the wedding, he would have, she believed. I looked at my other two friends for moral support. This position had to sound a little extreme to them too, right? Yet there they were, nodding along with her.
I wracked my brain, unsure of how to explain that searching for and clicking on the profile of a guy you have met in person (or not!) isn't too forward. I could see where viewing the profile of a man she knew from down the street could feel a little uncomfortable, but a man who lived three hours away and orbited in an entirely different social circle? Could that level of resistance essentially amount to self-sabotage, inhibiting the possibility of a relationship from the get-go?
None of the rationales I offered for viewing the man’s profile if she wanted to (and it seemed that she wanted to) appeared to land. Everything bounced off an emotional deflector shield. And then, randomly, I thought, my final suggestion struck paydirt.
I said that giving him a bigger, fuller impression of her, which a CatholicMatch profile makes possible in a way that a few conversations over drinks or at a wedding reception cannot, could make a difference in his interest level. Plus, living in a metropolitan area meant that there were many more “fish in the sea” where he lived, whereas there are significantly fewer eligible-Catholic-male options where she lives.
Having access to many more women, he might need a second chance to realize what a gem she is. Suddenly, she softened. Viewing his profile didn’t feel so desperate in that light.
Ultimately, I don’t know whether she clicked on his profile and he clicked on hers, or not.
We haven’t yet had another roundtable breakfast chat since then. But, that conversation led me to this post...
If something in her resistance resonates with you, or something in my rationale feels a little freeing, what might you do next? I asked my resident male relationship expert—my husband—for his thoughts on how to get interested men to initiate conversation beyond a profile click.
In summary, James said, “Ladies, men cannot read your minds. He may not be noticing you—you may not be in his search radius, or for whatever reason. If you want a guy to grab the bull by the horns, you need to say something to that effect, preferably in the first paragraph of your profile. Be blunt about it. When you see his profile, like it. Send him a like or a smiley face or whatever the kids do these days. Then he can click on yours, and if he likes what he reads and sees then he knows how you’d like him to behave.”
This is nothing new.
Consider it the modern equivalent of the old-fashioned dropping of a handkerchief (see Pride and Prejudice movie to watch how this is done!) This practice was employed by nineteenth-century single women when an eligible man walked by. The idea was for him to pick the handkerchief up, return it to its rightful owner, and then begin a conversation preferably leading, ultimately, to a marriage proposal.
My husband added, “If the guy isn't interested, then, you’re just back where you started.”
So, ladies, if you’re agonizing over how clicking on or reacting to a man’s profile will reflect on you, I pray you’ll let go of your worries about appearing insecure or desperate or, really, anything else other than available and attractive and possibly interested in him.
Drop the virtual handkerchief. See what happens. And if he isn’t interested, you’re just back where you started. Best wishes!
