A Singles’ Guide to Love by Jane Austen

Calling all literary buffs!

My favorite class in college was a Jane Austen elective—it was an English major-Austenite’s dream course: reading, discussing, and writing about Austen’s timeless novels.

Even though I have reread the novels since then, their enduring lessons expounded in that class have stayed with me. Among them: what the characters learn about love. Yes, there are all the meet-cutes, misunderstandings, and melodramas in each book, but that all gets to the finale: The heroine ends up with the hero—and not just any hero. He is the right match for her. In Catholic terms, this is all part of choosing whom to marry. Austen offers lessons of true love that resonate today. Here are key takeaways that can help singles navigate what Austen referred to as courtship in her day.

Seeing with the heart.

Pope St. John Paul II, in his “Letter to Women,” wrote that “women acknowledge the person, because they see persons with their hearts.”

Seeing people with one’s heart is at the heart of Jane Austen’s novels.

What does that mean?

Looking past the gruff exterior to see a man who would aid one’s sister out of love for his beloved, like Mr. Darcy does for Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, perhaps the most famous Austen novel about overcoming pride and prejudice to find love: “That the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other inducements which led me on, I shall not attempt to deny.… I thought only of you.”

She knew: “Her heart did whisper that he had done it for her.”

Or, as Miss Austen tells us of Capt. Wentworth and his beloved Anne in Persuasion, “There could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison.” The heroine and hero have a second chance at love long after Anne was persuaded by family and friends to break off their engagement. 

The good character of each drew the one to the other, even after many years apart.

“She had an excellent heart.” Jane Austen wrote this lovely line about Elinor Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility. May the same be said of each of us.

“Let us love, since that is all our hearts were made for,” as St. Thérèse reminds us.

As Austen always illustrates, love is shown in action.

See 1 Corinthians 13, which is a reflection of agape love. “You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so, you learn to love God and man by loving,” as St. Francis de Sales put it.

Speaking of 1 Corinthians 13, “Love is patient.” That’s what Persuasion illustrates. The heroine and hero are reunited after years apart and realize that they are still devoted to one another.

Turning to Sense and Sensibility, in which the Dashwood sisters move to a cottage and traverse the travails of love, Marianne Dashwood thought John Willoughby was for her, but she had to see him for the cad he was, and the steadiness of Col. Brandon won her heart in the end. After all, sense and sensibility, reason and feeling, are both needed in matters of the heart, as sister Elinor well illustrates.

I admit, Emma is not my favorite heroine, but Emma the novel has my favorite hero, Mr. Knightley. I love that the book, which centers around wealthy Emma Woodhouse’s meddling matchmaking in her English village and the confusion that ensues, shows that Emma exhibits self-growth and gains virtue, thanks to the goodness of Mr. Knightley. He wants her to be the best person she can be, which is love in action. 

Goodness is attractive.

Mansfield Park, in which the heroine, Fanny Price, goes to stay with extended family at Mansfield Park, also highlights the value of goodness: Fanny’s goodness, to be exact, which ultimately wins over Edmund Bertram.

Virtue is key to love, bringing us full circle back to 1 Corinthians 13.

When I consider the topic of goodness in Austen novels, I always think of the heroine of Persuasion, “Anne, with an elegance of mind and sweetness of character.”

She offers a listening ear throughout the novel and is a steady, compassionate resource for those around her. That depth of character wins her the heart of her hero, too.

Be open to what might surprise you.

Northanger Abbey, in which the young heroine stays at the novel’s namesake abbey, is a cautionary tale about being aware of a proper match. Catherine Morland almost misses what a good catch Henry Tilney is for her.

Singles often have an idea of who they think is their perfect person. But that is not always the case. This was a theme in Austen long before it was the standard plot in practically every Hallmark movie.

Ultimately, awareness of self and potential suitors is necessary.

Each story of Austen’s is as unique as the heroines and heroes who journey toward happily ever after.

But in all cases, honesty is key.

“I cannot make speeches, Emma,” says Mr. Knightley. “… If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me.” 

For her part, Emma recognizes who he is, this man she has known for so long, the one who supports her and encourages her to be her best: “Such a companion for herself in the periods of anxiety and cheerlessness before her!” for “he had loved her, and watched over her …  with an endeavour to improve her, and an anxiety for her doing right, which no other creature had at all shared. In spite of all her faults, she knew she was dear to him.”

Lizzy Bennet also experiences her own self-discovery: Her courtship with Darcy taught her her own weaknesses and inclination to prejudice. “Till this moment I never knew myself.”

“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself,” St. Francis de Sales reminds us. “Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them—every day begin the task anew.”

Austen’s main characters do just that.

This sums up exactly what marriage should be about: self-growth and running the good race together all the way to heaven. That matchup will look different for each of us, but it will be the right one in the end, with God directing our dating steps. Maybe we need to overcome pitfalls like our favorite heroine or hero. And, just like these classic characters, we need to be open to opportunities to find that special someone.

No matter where we are on the course of finding love, it is imperative we remember that God is with us.

He is with us while we wait for the right match to come into our lives. He is with us as we navigate missteps like Austen’s heroines and heroes. He is with us while we hope and pray for his plan for us in the realm of love, whether we are more like Lizzy or Jane Bennet, or Marianne or Elinor Dashwood, or Anne Elliot, or Emma Woodhouse, or Fanny Price, or Catherine Morland; or Fitzwilliam Darcy, or Charles Bingley, or George Knightley, or Col. Brandon, or Edmund Bertram, or Henry Tilney.

Beautiful lessons, all, from Miss Austen. Happy reading (and courting/dating)!

P.S. To read more thoughts on love, Jane Austen and hope, pick up a copy of my new book, The Plans God Has for You: Hopeful Lessons for Young Women.