An Un-Success Story

Sometimes, CatholicMatch posts Success Stories of people who have met online and found love.

I love those. But this is a different kind of story. A story of failure. But don’t stop reading now. Hang on until the end.

Here’s the story…

Chris met M through an online dating site. Both were in their late twenties and had dated enough to know what they wanted and didn’t want in a relationship. Sparks flew instantly. The good kind of sparks. They connected over a shared love of their Christian faith, authors they both admired, and a desire for travel and adventure.

M lived in New York and Chris lived in California. After a few months of long, deep talks online and over the phone, they finally met in person. A few short weeks later, Chris proposed and M said yes. 

He wondered if they were moving too fast, but he pushed down those concerns.

He didn’t want any misgivings to ruin the wonderful time they were having.

After a whirlwind summer of romance and marriage preparation, they married just before fall. They enjoyed sharing their little new apartment, getting to know each other, cooking meals, going to church, and hiking together in the foothills near their California home. But cracks started to show early.

Chris still felt insecure about M’s relationship with a previous boyfriend. She had cut off their communication, but Chris still felt uneasy. He started talking with a therapist and unearthed some unresolved family of origin issues. Gradually, he sank into a clinical depression, which did not help his and M’s marriage. It’s hard to show love when you can barely get out of bed each day.

For her part, M was constantly concerned about their financial situation. This made Chris feel like he could not provide, and therefore a deficient husband. M’s concerns were legitimate and Chris struggled to work several jobs while pursuing his writing career, but their financial situation rarely seemed to improve. They tried to have children, but M had two miscarriages.

Eventually, M’s own depression took its toll, and the once-hopeful couple found themselves six years into an unbearably difficult marriage. 

One evening over dinner, they both confessed that they probably would not have married each other if they had taken things slower when they first met.

Ultimately, all their unresolved conflict needed a release.

An extramarital affair occurred. They separated. A year later, the court finalized their divorce. What made it worse is that they really did love each other. They were just two troubled humans struggling with their own faults and each other. Both picked up the broken pieces of their lives and started to move on.

By all accounts, Chris and M were not a success story.

But sometimes success looks different than what we first imagined, and beautiful things can arise from failure. 

For one thing, Chris and M’s marriage wasn’t all bad. No marriage is. They had some great times and nothing can change that. They enjoyed intimacy, adventures, and growing together in faith. Throughout their struggles, they made each other better people. But beyond all the natural, healthy good times that come with a marriage, there is something else.

There is God’s ability to bring healing from what’s broken, to extract good from tragedy.

In a charred landscape covered in ashes and burnt, barren trees, it’s hard not to notice a fresh green sprig when it appears. It may be small at first, and surrounded by devastation, but it grows into something fresh and hopeful and strong.

That’s what happened with Chris and M. No, they did not get back together. They realized they were not a healthy match. The Church annulled their marriage, confirming their own doubts about the sacramentality of their union. But now they were free to move forward.

They eventually forgave each other for all the mistakes they’d both made. They prayed for each other, and still do. They came to a place where they could wish each other well and still love each other, just in a different way, a healthier, holier way. All the suffering and struggle they experienced made Chris and M better, stronger people. 

Sometimes success takes years to achieve, and it only comes after what looks like failure. It may seem impossible, but it’s not. 

In God’s economy, nothing has to be lost, and everything can be turned to good. 

In Matthew 19:26, when the disciples asked Jesus about the difficulty of being saved, Jesus looked at them and said, “For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.”

He looked at them. He looked at Chris and M. He looks at each of us, and he knows what we’ve suffered. But he also sees the potential for success where we often see only failure.

So, Chris and M’s success story didn’t look like they’d once imagined in their naive rush to romance. It became something different, but still beautiful for them both. 

Even though their marriage ended, Chris and M’s story eventually became one of success. 

If you’ve failed, yours can too.