A 2020 Fresh Start for Divorced Catholics

There are certain memories etched in your brain that are hard to forget.

One of those dates for me is January 4, 2016. It was the day I went downtown to the courthouse with my dad to file for divorce. It was a sad, bizarre way to begin the New Year, knowing my life would forever look different because of this action.

I remember thinking I was watching a movie of someone else’s life that felt too surreal to believe this was my own life.

While I love this time of year and the promise of what a new year brings, the first year or two after my divorce felt jarring and unsettling.

What was my place now? Where did I fit in the typical Catholic woman mold? Who was I without a husband anymore? How would I rebuild my life? How would I navigate dating and someday remarriage with all that I know now? The questions could easily keep pouring out of me.

Perhaps you are fresh off of signing the divorce papers or you are several years past that painful day.

Maybe you are debating starting the annulment process, are currently dating, or the idea of getting re-married someday is too overwhelming to even imagine.

Can I tell you something, friend? Wherever you are in that process is an okay place to be. Your current reality (whether you believe it or not) is smack in the center of God’s will. You are not overlooked or forgotten.

Life has probably turned out very differently than you imagined. I know I feel that way. 

I never would have imagined at 34 I would have been married, divorced, annulled, and navigating dating again in my almost mid-thirties. I know I have experienced the provision and faithfulness of God especially in the last decade of my life, but sometimes I still wrestle with the fear or lie that things I have always imagined for life have not yet happened.

While I know I am called to marriage and very much desire that someday with the right man, it has not yet happened for me. Maybe you are in the same boat.

A 2020 fresh start as a divorced Catholic may look different for each of us based on our unique circumstances, and that is okay.

What are some helpful things to keep in mind as we begin this new decade of life?

1. If you haven't explored the annulment process yet, now is the time.

Regardless of whether the ink on your divorce papers is still fresh or not, don't necessarily jump back into dating. If you have not pursued or begun the annulment process, start there. Not just because it is best to get annulment before dating again, but it will also be deeper personal healing for you. I can understand how this may feel difficult for some of you to hear, but the Church has a reason for this process; I am firmly convinced it exists for our good and well being.

2. If your marriage was annulled, don’t feel pressured to say yes to dates.

Here is a helpful truth I have to remind myself sometimes: I am not obligated to say yes to every date a man initiates. I (and you!) get to decide whom we want to get to know, spend time with, and get to know more deeply.

You should never feel like you have to accept a date if you really do not feel inclined. If and when you are annulled, you don't have to date everyone who asks. Never feel pressured to say yes because you don’t know the next time you will be asked out on a date. Live out of an abundance not a scarcity mindset when it comes to saying yes and no to dates.

3. Plan to have adventures in 2020.

Make some dreams and plans. Have an adventure. Plan and save for that pilgrimage you have wanted to go on. Take a class, work on a project, or develop some new creative skills. Prioritize the things that fire you up, fill your heart with joy and energy!

Be brave and step outside of your comfort zone. Just because you are not sharing your life with a special someone does not mean you cannot live a rich, full, and meaningful life.

4. Be open, but live your life.

A phrase I was praying a lot during Advent was “wait with openness.” I am living a rich life; making time for family and friends while pursuing some exciting new creative dreams and passions in my personal life. I am open to meeting a good man, but I am balancing my time in dating with a focus on living my best life right now.

Do not buy the lie that meeting the “right person” will complete or fix you. Trust me, I bought into it and as I look back, it did more harm than I initially realized. 

Your best life is not the one you imagine, pray, or hope for. Your best life is the one you are living right now. Yes be open, go on dates, and put yourself out there in the world when it comes to meeting people. Do not allow that to cloud over your vision and become the most important thing in your life.

What are you looking forward to in 2020? How is your perspective and heart as we head into a new decade of life and living?

Jesus will meet you right there in the midst of it all.