Have you ever felt like you were auditioning for the role of “girlfriend” in a man’s life? Let’s set the scene – you met a man and you’ve gone on a few dates, or perhaps you’ve been talking for weeks. You’re interested in the potential relationship, maybe you’re even feeling some sparks! All systems seem to be firing, but then all progress comes to a halt. He hits you with an “I’m not sure.” He confesses that something is holding him back from pursuing you 100%.
Womp. Womp. Here we go...
Maybe he’s a commitment-phobe, maybe he’s still hung up on his ex, maybe your values don’t line up, or maybe you simply don’t fit his idealized vision of a girlfriend. He is “unsure.” An ‘unsure’ man is someone who keeps you close enough to enjoy your attention, but distant enough to avoid commitment.
The key characteristic of the “unsure” man is that he’s not entirely out of your budding relationship, but he’s not in either. He likes to have a foot in both camps. He’s attracted, he enjoys your company, but when it comes to clarity — he hesitates.
Once he expresses his reservations, your dynamic dramatically shifts and becomes unequal. Suddenly, you feel like everything you say or do could impact his decision towards a relationship “yes” or “no.” Thus begins the audition. You might find yourself curating your texts or subtly start performing like the perfect girl – subconsciously, you’re trying to persuade him to choose you.
And this my friend, is when you should run.
You might have a million excuses for him, “He’s just going through a lot,” “He’s figuring himself out,” “He’s had a tough past,” “He just needs a little more time to realize.” But in the end, the “unsure” man always ends up making you cry more than laugh.
Personally, I’ve experienced an unfortunate number of “unsure” men, but luckily, I’m getting better at cutting them off as soon as I sense waffling behavior. Here are a couple of pointers from my years of identifying and calling it quits with “unsure” men.
He Keeps a Trap Door
This past summer, I met a guy who seemed super into me. Texted me all day. Called me every night. He regularly dropped flirty comments about the future. The classic love-bombing recipe. Then, out of nowhere, I was maybe too “old” for him. He said he needed to adjust to the idea of my age (four years older than him – ancient, obviously) and told me he needed 3-6 months to figure out if he wanted to date me, all without changing our level of interaction. Read: He wanted to play boyfriend/girlfriend for 3-6 months. And if he called it quits after 6 months, he couldn’t be the bad guy since he’d warned me, right?
In many “unsure” guy scenarios, they keep a trap door or create a relationship loophole. For my summer guy, he wanted to keep me on the hook and benefit from my attention while still having an escape plan.
If you’re dating someone who suddenly introduces a concern about you after having love-bombed you, it’s a subtle way in which they’re trying to prepare you for rejection without losing your attention just yet. In past articles, I’ve discussed ways in which the hookup culture has affected Catholic dating, and this is another way objectification sneaks in. Benefitting from someone's attention and affection while consciously (or subconsciously) planning to ditch them is a form of use. If you sense he’s trying to introduce the idea of your relationship not working out early on in dating, he might be doing it on purpose.
He Puts You on the Back Burner.
Once I started dating a guy who suddenly decided he wanted to date someone else instead. He asked me, however, if he could keep my phone number just in case it didn’t work out. He put me on the back burner as a second option. Four months later, I received a “please give me another chance” text. Unfortunately, I did give him another chance (and he blew it).
The “unsure” man is always looking for the next best thing. You’re an enjoyable option for the time being, but you’re not his no.1 choice. But hey, don’t take it personally – the “unsure” man’s dream girl doesn’t actually exist. Once confronted with the humanity of a real woman, he sees it as a sign of incompatibility. He moves on to the next girl, and the cycle repeats itself. With the "unsure man", you will always be on the back burner to the ideal woman he likely will never find. This is also related to the choice paralysis epidemic in modern dating, but that’s another article for another time.
Remember – what makes you a real, human, woman is exactly what will attract a real, healthy, man. You are complex, multifaceted, flawed, and totally unique. You should not be chosen despite these things, but because of them. Do not change yourself to become his dream girl; find a man who already sees you that way.
You Feel Like You Need to Convince Him
The biggest red flag of the “unsure” man is that he removes healthy pursuit from your interactions. At first, he may come on strong with texting, planning dates, acting like he’s interested – but then he flips the script. Suddenly, you’re the one doing the work. Instead of being pursued, you’re placed in the pursuer’s seat, trying to earn a “yes” from him.
But here’s the truth: you should never have to convince someone to be with you.
You might be tempted to think, “If I’m patient enough, he’ll eventually see my worth.” But take my word for it – "unsure" men rarely wake up one morning magically “sure.” What actually happens is that in your effort to prove yourself, you start abandoning your own standards. You settle into the role of “convincer,” when in reality, a healthy relationship never begins with confusion. When a man is genuinely interested, he is clear.
What Healthy Pursuit Looks Like
When I ask friends and family how they got to the altar, it always begins with something along the lines of, “he pursued the heck out of me!” Ideally, you have two people who are equally stoked about each other, but strong, lasting relationships almost always start with a man who knows very quickly that he wants to pursue the woman. He doesn’t have to know on day one that you’re “the one,” but he should know from the start whether he wants to actively date you. Healthy men make decisions, not excuses. They pursue with clarity, not escape routes.
What you want (and deserve) is not a perfect man, but a decisive one. A man who is sure about you from the start. And honestly, the “unsure” man is ultimately unsure of himself. He lacks confidence in his own decision-making and in his ability to build something real. That’s not a burden you need to carry or fix.
So don’t waste your energy convincing, performing, or waiting for him to figure it out. Choose to walk away from uncertainty and hold out for the man who chooses you – fully, freely, and without hesitation.
