Are You Stuck in the Friend Zone?

When I was younger, I was always the girl with a lot of guy friends. Hard to say exactly why. I just liked hanging out with them.  Maybe it was because I found them to be “lower maintenance” than women tended to be. There was less drama. They were more straightforward, less prone to playing games. Not to say I didn’t have wonderful female friends as well, but if I looked at the ratio of my friends, it skewed heavily toward the men.

I never thought much of it. We were friends, and when they met the women they were going to marry, those women became my friends, and we’re all still friends. In fact, in some cases, I already knew or even introduced them to those women.

Which is why I was struck by an article I read lately, “Why Guys Hate Being Stuck in the Friend Zone.”  I have had guy friends since before the “Friend Zone” was even a thing.  (First time I heard of it was on Friends, when Joey informed Ross that he was the mayor of the Zone.) In it, the author calls friendship: “A man’s most dreaded relationship status.”

Wow.

Of course, I get how a guy would hate getting stuck in the Zone if he’s interested in more than just friendship. That train runs both ways, and I’ve spent some time on it myself. Most of us have. And it stinks.

But one passage in particular struck me. He said, "To put it simply, when a woman relegates a man to the friend zone, she is saying, ‘You’re not sexually attractive.’” And he compared it to an assault on a particularly sensitive area of male anatomy.

That’s where I believe he and I differ. Where perhaps men and women differ.

I think the first issue lies in the distinction between “attractive” and “attractive to me.” Believe it or not, there is a difference. Probably more so for women than men. John Gray, in his book Mars and Venus on a Date, says that men and women experience different types of attraction at different levels of the relationship.

For men, physical attraction comes first. But women often need to feel attracted on an emotional or intellectual level before physical attraction kicks in. It’s not that we don’t think that other men are handsome or attractive; it’s just that we haven’t reached that point where that attractiveness translates to a desire for physical intimacy with this particular person. Because of this, some women (myself included) prefer the “friends first” approach. That way we can take some time to get to know the other person on an emotional and intellectual level to see if there is an attraction there, without the pressure of romance and exclusivity and having to “break up” and lose what could’ve been a good friendship, if that’s what it was supposed to be.

The problem with that approach, of course, is in how to move out of the Zone once both people are interested in more. In my experience, that becomes obvious in time. I have yet to see a man and a woman spend years as friends when both were wanting more from the relationship.

What about the “deep” Friend Zone, where a man and a woman are close friends, but nothing more? Well, if it’s the woman who’s happy to remain in the Zone, it doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t attractive. I have had a lot of terrific guy friends who I thought would be great husbands. Just not, for whatever reason, great husbands of mine. Maybe it was a faith mis-match. Maybe just a personality thing.  For whatever reason, I didn’t think we would work out as a relationship. But it didn’t mean they weren’t objectively attractive.

Of course, no matter the reason, it’s stupid to stay in a close friendship with someone if you’re the only one who wants it to progress to something more. I know that’s a horrible place to be, and I know nothing I say will completely eradicate the sting. Nobody likes rejection. It feels like . . . rejection. Like you’re not good enough. Not attractive enough.

But I hope you hear me here. Not being attractive to one person is not the same as not being attractive. Attractiveness — especially sexual attractiveness — is subjective. And we women are, for some reason, particularly fickle about it. I don’t know why. For some reason God wired us this way. Probably for our protection, but sometimes it goes horribly awry.

So move on if you’re hanging around the Zone, hoping it will change. If you’re not sure where she stands, ask. If you don’t like the answer, at least you have an answer.

But don’t read too much into it. What’s true for her vis a vis your attractiveness isn’t going to be true for every woman.

If you aren’t attractive to her, then she isn’t the right one. Go find the one who is.