What Not to Say in an Argument

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“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  (Ephesians 4:29)

Be very careful of what you say when you’re arguing with someone. There are some things that once said, can’t be unsaid or unheard. We’ve all heard similar sentiments before, but have we actually taken a moment to consider how important they are? It’s in the Bible, worded multiple ways, but ultimately the message is the same: Be very careful with your words.

I realize that when tempers flare or sadness overwhelms us it can be very difficult to watch what we say, but it is precisely during these times that we need to be the most cautious.  

Yes, we should forgive, but forgetting is not always that easy, and some of those offhand remarks during a fight can leave lasting marks on your loved ones.

Yes, we need to have tough skin, but we also need to have soft hearts and sometimes those words that seem like they should be harmless can slice through our skin and cut deep into our hearts. If words were meaningless, no one would ever have any sort of visceral reaction to them. And we all know that that’s just not true.

So, what can you do to avoid saying something that you’ll regret later?

 Well, for starters, talk about it with your loved ones. If something was said during an argument that was especially cutting, don’t let that wound fester.  It’ll only make your feelings toward that person turn to resentment, and resentment builds up.

If there is something especially hurtful that you want to say, take a deep breath first, walk away if you can, and try to remember why you shouldn’t say it. That’s going to be hard to do in the heat of the moment, but it’s worth it if you can avoid it.

Lastly, pray and try to discuss your issues before you’re ready to explode. If you wait until you can’t take it anymore, you’re less likely to have a discussion and more likely to have a fight on your hands.  

With all of this in mind, I think there are a few phrases that you never should say to anyone. Ever. There is no taking these words back. They only serve to exacerbate the problem. And finally, they do not lend to minding our tongues and becoming the saints that we are striving to be.

Phrases to avoid in all circumstances

#1:  Shut up. I absolutely detest this phrase. I tell my students at the beginning of each year that, as far as I’m concerned, this phrase is cursing. Telling someone to shut up is not only communicating that you don’t want to hear what they have to say, it’s telling the person that they are not worth hearing in the rudest way possible. Yes, that may seem extreme, but I can’t tell you how many students have ended up in fights because one person told the other to shut up and everything escalated from there.

Be respectful, even if you are beyond furious with someone. Don’t tell them to shut up. There are better ways to tell someone that you don’t want to continue arguing with them or that you’re done listening. Try “I’m done. I need a break,” or “I need a moment,” or even “Please be quiet.” That last one is a lot less offensive even though you're saying nearly the same thing.

#2: I hate you. This one there’s no taking back. I don’t care if you never meant it and you were just overly emotional. There’s no erasing this one. It plants an awful seed in the receiver’s mind that you don’t want to take root. And that is: What if they really meant it?

 You’re going to put a crack in that person’s ability to trust you whether or not you (or they) realize it. When we say that we hate something, we’re expressing an extreme dislike for something or someone. Why would we ever want to express that to someone we care about?  Just don’t say it.

#3:  I don’t care. his one may seem harmless, and I’ll admit, I’ve definitely been guilty of saying this one when angry. The problem is that, again, it implies that we don’t value the person or their thoughts about whatever it is that we’re arguing over. Arguments can be settled, fights can be avoided, but only if you’re willing to listen to what the other person is saying.

If we can avoid saying these words to the people we care about, if we can avoid saying them to anyone at all, we’re on the right path to “building others up according to their needs” and benefiting "those who listen.” God never tells us to shut up. He never says that He hates us or that He doesn’t care. If we’re going to imitate His example, we’re going to need to eliminate these words from our vocabulary as well.

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