Why Are We Still Single (Or Single Again)? Part One

Had you told me 20 years ago that I would be part of what sociologist Eric Klinenberg, author of Going Solo, calls the “greatest social change of the last 60 years that we haven't already named and identified” I would have been horrified—namely because the social change he is referring to is the decline in marriage and the rise of the single population.

While, admittedly, there are worse things in life than being single, for someone who loved being raised in a large family and looked forward to having her own—this is no small bit of bad news.

According to Pew Research Data from 2012, one in five adults 25 and older have never married, whereas in 1960 it was fewer than one in ten (9%). Census data from 2014 shows that 45% of US residents 18 and older are unmarried, but in many parts of the country we are now at the point where the majority of households are headed by single people.

According to Klinenberg, this is a new phenomenon, something which we’re seeing for the first time in history. While he enumerates the supposed benefits of being single, making it sound like it’s a good thing, my personal desires and experience beg to differ.

It all seemed so simple when my parents got married

About ten years ago I started wondering why I was still single when my plan had been to be married and start a family by my mid-twenties. It all seemed so simple when my parents got married—why should it now be so complicated for me and my friends?

While everyone has his or her own personal story, a look at the cultural influences of our time is very revealing. I call these influences the “Seven C’s of Self-Centered Singleness.”

I’m not saying we singles are all selfish folk —but we do live in an unprecedentedly self-centered culture which constantly bombards us with messages about putting “me” first.

Being raised in a culture where this is normal is akin to fish swimming in a polluted pond. We are affected by it whether we like it or not, whether we realize it or not. This “self-centeredness” is the water in which the fish of the seven C’s of singleness thrive.

By examining the “Seven C’s” we can better understand what influences may (or may not) be affecting our own lives and the lives of those around us. Only when we understand a situation are we able to do anything about it. So let’s go…

The first five are the following: Choices, Careers, Comfort, Cows, Culture. (You’ll have to wait for Part II for the last two…insert cliffhanger music here…).

Choices and Careers

My generation grew up with many more choices, and different choices than previous generations. We also grew up with different expectations. Now, instead of growing up and expecting to get married and have a family, girls expect to go to college, establish a successful career and then (perhaps) get married. It’s laudable that women are able to do that, but not so much when they are expected to prioritize a career over a vocation to marriage and are considered backwards and unambitious if their primary desire is to be married and raise a family. It’s no longer really a “choice.”

Men, on the other hand, have always had to be concerned with their jobs so they could raise a family and contribute to society. A boy was brought up to think about his future job in connection with his vocation as a husband (or a priest).

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ow there is simply not that societal expectation. Instead, the emphasis is on having a successful career in order to have more toys, more fun and more prestige.

Lastly, we live in the day not only of multiple choices but seemingly endless choices. If one thing doesn’t work out, (or if it gets boring or difficult to manage) then we can just log on and get an upgrade!

Jillian Strauss, author of Unhooked Generation, recounts the story of the man she met who said that he could have married four of the five women with whom he had been in a serious relationship—but he didn’t because he always was worried there might be something better around the corner.

Today we are able to meet many more potential spouses through travel, college, online etc., yet fewer of us are married. What irony! Perhaps an illusion of infinite choices has led to a widespread hesitancy to commit. We want to keep our options open. We don’t want to stop until we meet the “perfect” one—so we continue along with mental checklists which defy fulfillment by any human being except the Blessed Mother.

Cows, Comfort and Culture

“Cows” is self-explanatory. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Good question. There is plenty of “free milk” going around these days. But what if one is not getting free milk? What is the incentive to remain single then? Perhaps comfort?

All of the “free milk” has led to a generation deeply wounded because we have experienced love, marriage and sex in all of the wrong ways. One broken heart after another leaves us hesitant to risk getting hurt again, so we slowly build walls with bricks of scar tissue around our hearts, making it increasingly difficult for us to love and to receive love.

C.S. Lewis puts it well when he says that, since love necessitates vulnerability, if you want to keep your heart free from pain "you must give your heart to no one" and, after wrapping it up in little hobbies and luxuries, you must "lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness." But beware, because in that casket, though it will remain in one piece, "it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

In addition, as my mother always said, “The older you get, the more set in your ways you become and the harder it is to change.” If we get used to living by ourselves the way we want to, doing what we want, when we want, it becomes more and more difficult to transition to a life where we have to make room for another. Fear of hurt and of change can make it more comfortable not to risk again.

Achievement, autonomy, and loneliness

Our culture is not only self-centered, but it is also individualistic. Granted, it’s hard to be American and not be individualistic. We value work, achievement and autonomy. But our individualism has led to loneliness. As St. Teresa of Calcutta said, "I have reached the point of becoming more and more aware of the fact that the worst suffering a human being can experience is to be unwanted."

Loneliness is so painful precisely because we were made for love, in the image of God, who is love. Having worked many years with the poor, Catherine Doherty declared, "Loneliness holds the men of our age and times in a grip that seems unbreakable. Yet, it can be broken! It can be broken by love…”

Will we choose love? Perhaps the path to love is more difficult than the Disney fairytale, but it is not impossible!

As St. John Paul II said, “Love is a constant challenge thrown to us by God ... Are you really afraid of love?"

We cannot be afraid of the challenge that is love.

"Do not be afraid of the risks!" St. John Paul II also reminds us, "God’s strength is always far more powerful than your difficulties!"

Anastasia Northrop dedicates her time to promoting John Paul II’s understanding of the human person and studying issues common to single Catholics as the founder and director of the National Catholic Singles Conference (happening this year in Pittsburgh in May, and in Phoenix in September).