You've just met the man or woman of your dreams ... and then you find out where he or she lives—and it is not close to you. Are we unwittingly turning away very compatible people, just because they are geographically unattractive?
When I was younger, I was mostly inclined to limit my dating choices to my immediate geographic area, wherever that was at the time. My friends and I even had an acronym to refer to those who lived too far away. We called them GUDs—Geographic Undesirables.
That was all well and good when I was young and somehow convinced that every metropolitan area was just teeming with single, compatible Catholic men eligible to marry in the Church. Looking back, I can think of a few potential relationships that I walked away from, simply because the men lived too far away and I was convinced that somewhere in my future, God would drop a man into my life who was wonderful and perfect for me and lived within 20 minutes of my home.
But then I got older, and it started to become clearer to me that the choice wasn’t necessarily “marry a man who is right for me and lives far away vs. marry a man who is right for me and lives nearby.”
Instead, my options could very likely be “marry a man who is right for me and lives far away vs. not get married at all.”
And that was when I rethought my willingness to move.
I will grant that there are some people who cannot relocate for a relationship. Yes, I’m looking at you, Mr. or Ms. Children At Home Part Time. I have yet to encounter a situation that I believe would justify moving away from a minor child. Others may have similar responsibilities that they legitimately can't leave. But beyond that, I’m not sure there are a whole lot of ironclad reasons to insist on staying put.
My family, friends, and job are all here.
You say, “But my family is here. My friends are here! My job is here! I love my gym! I don’t want to give all of that up.” Of course you don’t. Neither do I. I live in God’s country. I have built a very successful business here. I live near my brothers and sisters, whom I love. But would I give all of that up for a happy marriage to the right man? I’m pretty sure I would.
Not sure how willing you would be to move? It’s your life, of course, so the decision is entirely up to you. And to help you with that, I have devised a handy-dandy little test to clarify your priorities vis a vis marriage and relocation.
Take the Test
It’s simple, really. Take every reason you have for not being willing to relocate, and plug it into the following sentence:
“I would rather (x) and remain single than be happily married living somewhere else.”
As in “I would rather live near my family and friends and remain single than be happily married living somewhere else.” Or, “I would rather stay in my current job and remain single than be happily married living somewhere else.”
If it’s a true statement, then you’re right in refusing to relocate. And sometimes it will be. “I would rather live near my children and remain single than be happily married living somewhere else” sounds right for a parent of minor children, doesn’t it?
But I suspect that, when it’s phrased that way, many of your other reasons won’t seem quite so compelling.
But I want to have it all...
I know some of you are holding out for having it all—the happy marriage in your chosen geographic area. Nice work if you can get it. But it isn’t guaranteed, is it? Are you really willing to overlook the truly compatible person who lives far away, all on the hope that someone equally wonderful will surface within your own zip code? Given that faithful, compatible Catholic matches don’t grow on trees, you may be walking away from the best shot you’ll ever have.
Where is God in this?
And where is God in this? I have made it clear that I don’t subscribe to the “God Ensures Everybody A Spouse” school of theology. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe He is involved in the process. If He does have somebody in mind for you, how much room are you going to give Him to work? Are you open to the possibility that His plan for you may involve living somewhere else? Or are you convinced that God’s match for you will necessarily conform to your tight geographical standards?
Of course we would all rather “have it all” and find that perfect person who is also conveniently located near where we currently live and work. And, in previous generations where most people shared the same basic set of values, that may have been a realistic expectation. But for a faithful Catholic in today’s world, it’s no longer quite so realistic. I have come to realize that, if we are serious about wanting to marry, we may have to cast a wider geographic net.
Very few people get excited about the prospect of moving for an abstraction, for a potential partner we haven't met yet. But can you imagine that, if you met a flesh-and-blood person you were really in love with and wanted to spend the rest of your life with, you might be willing to do that in a different city somewhere?
If so, you may want to update your preferences on your profile. Because otherwise, that flesh-and-blood someone may love your profile, but take a pass because they believe you when you say you want to stay where you are.
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