How to Tell if She's Your Future Wife

How do you know the person you’re with is really “The One”?

It’s the question that overshadows every dating relationship and goes straight to the heart of what’s God’s will is for our lives. It’s a question that means discernment. Fortunately, the Catholic Church has given the world a master of discernment in St. Ignatius of Loyola. St. Ignatius left us his tools for “discerning the spirits”, as it were, the methods for understanding how God communicates His will. It’s become known as “Ignatian spirituality” and is vital to living a discerning life.

The first time I traveled to see the woman who would become my wife, it was to attend a weekend retreat in Boston given by Father Gallagher on this very topic. Since relocating to the area, I have taken monthly spiritual direction from another Oblate priest, a spiritual veteran, deeply schooled in the Ignatian way of living. I’ve learned that there are, broadly speaking, three basic levels of discernment. We’ll go through each one and examine some applications that might apply for those in a dating relationship.

1^st Mode Discernment:

This is the highest level of discernment. And it starts with the simple adage: you just know. That’s something you hear people say about the person with they are with—I just know she’s the right one. In God’s economy, “just knowing” is really a thing—in fact, it’s the highest of things.

Now that does leave the question of what it means to “just know.” Or if we really want to make this a little complicated, ask “How do you know when you just know?” It can be easy to misunderstand and say “I just know” when in fact, you’re just really excited. The spiritual life is full of trial and error and all of us surely have things that we “knew” were true that didn’t turn out to be so.

But I’m going to guess that we also have things we “knew” were true and did turn out to be so.

This is where cultivating a contemplative prayer life is imperative to proper discernment. The Holy Spirit will remind you how you thought and felt in certain previous instances, right down the very nuances of spiritual experience that are different from everyone. You’ll be able to compare and contrast previous spiritual experiences with where you’re at in this moment.

Everyone will be different, but one general principle is universal—when you just know, you have peace of mind. You don’t feel defensive—even interiorly—about your conviction. That’s because you just know.

Another part of 1^st mode discernment is consolation without a previous cause. Spiritual consolations and desolations can be the subject of a book in of themselves—in fact, Father Gallagher has written one on this subject too. Most of them, our consolations can be traced to concrete actions or thought patterns.

Consolations are more than just good feelings. They are also concrete blessings—like a dating relationship. You know people say “the minute I stopped looking someone showed up”? This would be an example of a consolation without a previous cause.

2^nd Mode Discernment:

1^st mode discernment is rare, so that leaves us with the need to go to the second level. Here we track consolations and desolations throughout our daily life and see if they are telling us anything.

St. Ignatius strongly advocates being aware of how our interior emotions respond to the events of daily life. Using one’s feelings as an indicator has gotten a bad rap in faithful Catholic circles because the concept has been badly abused in secular society, divorced entirely from reason, doctrine and the natural law.

But, even the great St. Thomas Aquinas taught that emotions were very intuitive.

And St. Ignatius builds on that by encouraging us to see what those emotions are doing in the countless granular moments that make up daily life.

Journaling is important. It’s recommended to take time at the end of each day to reflect and consider where the moments of consolation and desolation came from. Write those down. Do the same for a good period of time and see if patterns start to develop. Does thinking about your girlfriend bring a deep consolation and peace? If so, there’s a good chance God is telling you something.

3^rd Mode Discernment:

Maybe the journaling and the chronicling of consolation and desolation doesn’t produce clear results. If so, it’s time to move to the third level and that’s basic human reason.

The key tools to effectively use our reason are the following…

*The pros and cons list
*Imagine someone else telling you the same issue you’re wrestling with. What advice would you give them?
*Imagine yourself on your deathbed or at the Judgment Seat. What decision will you wish you would have made then?

It’s likely that, given the deep emotions that govern dating relationships, you’ll already have gotten some kind of indication on either of the first two levels.

But that doesn’t mean you can skip the third. The final decision you make has to be compatible with human reason. God uses the first and second mode to invite you in, but the third mode is where the deal gets closed.

Good decisions ultimately have all three modes of discernment working in harmony. Some start at the top and work their way down to the level of reason. Others start at reason and then move all the way to “just knowing.” But they all function together.

A final note—do not, under any circumstances, do this alone. Spiritual experience is a deep matter and the darker forces, to say nothing of our own fallen human nature, will get in the way. Find someone whose judgement you trust to bounce all of your findings off of.

Then it comes time for the final step.

St. Ignatius tells us that when we make our decision, give it to the Lord and ask him to confirm it. Don’t look for signs and wonders as confirmation. Every once in a while that happens, but it’s not the norm. Just move forward. Confirmation usually comes in the form of the right door opening and the wrong doors closing.

Or in this case, buying the ring and having her say yes.