I was a member of CatholicMatch for over a decade before I met my spouse. I joined at the age of 23 and sent the first message to the man who would become my husband at the age of 37. During that extended amount of time, I often experienced fear and had a difficult time holding on to hope that I would ever meet my husband. I had to wrestle with the fear of being alone, the fear of missing out, the fear of wasting my life, and the fear of having no vocation to either the religious life or married life. If you are in a similar situation, I have three pieces of advice that may help.
First: We don’t overcome fear by avoiding it. We overcome it by facing it. Choose something that you’re afraid of, but ultimately admire, and learn to do it. For me, this was learning to ride a motorcycle. I come from a family of bikers. Even my mother learned to ride! While I always admired her for doing so, I was afraid of it and never did. The moment I passed my riding test and earned the motorcycle endorsement on my license was a special one for me. I had faced a fear and accomplished something I had always admired in others. It may seem an odd thing to say, but it helped me grasp, even tighter, hope for my future. I began to realize that whether or not I ever got married, I still would have a fulfilling and joyful life. I still had a lot to learn and accomplish.
Second: God, whether or not He ever calls you to marriage or the religious life, expects you to build a life of which you can be proud. Don’t wait your life away. Start building that life today. For me, this meant getting my dog. If there is something that you have really wanted for a long time, something that you know will bring you more joy in life and will get you out of your head, go get it. Adopting my dog was one of the best decisions I ever could have made. She provided me with ample opportunities to get out of my head, get outdoors, and think about and care for a little creature other than myself. Plus, she was a darn good companion.
Think about one decision that could make your life more fulfilling today.
Maybe that’s getting a pet. Maybe that’s buying the house you’ve been saving for for years. It is okay to wait, but don’t wait your life away. The problem with the statement, “I am not going to do ____ until I am married,” is that the reality is that there is no guarantee that you will ever get married. In that case, start building a life that you are proud of now. If you meet someone, all the better, but you shouldn’t keep your life on hold indefinitely. That is not how God wants us to live.
Third: Change how you pray. My prayers for a husband changed about a year or two before I met my husband online. My prayers changed from, ”Lord, please send me what I want,” to “Lord, please send me what You know I need.” You can be confident in the fact that He knows what you want. You’ve been telling Him for years, and He can read your heart. What you really need is to trust that He will give you what you need, specifically if it will assist you on your path toward Heaven. I found the Surrender Novena to be especially helpful over the later years of my singlehood. The main prayer that you repeat over and over again is, “O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything.”
"Everything" includes your vocation.
Do you really think that God would deny you a relationship that would be instrumental in your growth toward holiness? God’s main concern is your salvation. He wants you to become a saint. If a spouse is necessary for this, He will ensure that you find a spouse. All you need to do is be open to His will by staying close to Him in the Sacraments, give Him the opportunities He needs to introduce you to someone (e.g., join Catholic Match, church fellowship groups, be active in your interests, etc.), and finally trust Him. He loves you.
You may be concerned that after a decade or longer of online dating, that you have wasted time in the waiting. Hand that concern to God and then sit in prayer and discuss with Him what you would like to do moving forward. What fear can you face? What goal can you accomplish this year? What good thing would make your life more full? A huge part of holding onto hope is to be active.
Do not give in to the temptation to allow yourself to stagnate.
This will only lead you to doubt and hopelessness. God intends for you to live life abundantly. He has already given you many gifts. Focus on those and move forward in your life knowing that God wants what is best for you.
A final thought on changing how you pray. I found it helpful to imagine my death - yes, as morbid as it sounds, memento mori is actually a very powerful tool for keeping our lives on track. I would imagine that I had died, and my soul was standing before Jesus. What would I say to Him? Would I complain that He never gave me my heart's desire, and therefore my life was filled with nothing but sorrow and longing? No. I do not believe He would accept that excuse for living a life that was less than what I knew in my heart it truly could have been. If only I had trusted Him and moved forward, regardless of whether or not He gifted me with a vocation.
Because that’s the truth of it, the vocation to marriage is a gift.
It is not something that we are owed, nor is it absolutely necessary in order to live a fulfilling, sanctifying life. It is but one of the ways in which our Lord bestows upon us the opportunity to grow. I realized, imagining myself standing before God, that I would rather discuss with Our Lord how I embraced my life (including my singlehood) and lived it, dare I say, joyfully. I may never have been a wife or mother, but I could be the best aunt, sister, daughter, and friend I could possibly be. Rather than the conversation being one of sadness, I wanted that conversation with our Lord to be one of pride. In my life as a single, I would have drawn close to His Heart, undistracted by the responsibilities of those who were married. I would have had many adventures and discoveries, and talents to share with Him!
