I was fifteen and starting in driver’s ed.
My instructor looked at my fifteen-letters-long hyphenated surname and said, “I hope you’re planning to change that when you get married.” I asked him why. His reasoning: “Your kids would be messed up if you hyphenate again!”
We both laughed! It was a common occurrence in my life. I took to congratulating people who could pronounce my name right. I thought it was funny how many times during roll call, professors stopped short and stared in fear as they read off their classlist and came to me. During my student teaching, a grand total of one high schooler could say my name properly, and I his, since he had been dubbed with a tongue twister too. We took to shouting them at each other every time we’d pass in the hallway. (And sometimes during class too. I wasn’t the best influence, but I was loved!)
I don’t have that name anymore. Why?
My husband moved seven hundred miles and away from his entire life to marry me. Even after all that sacrifice, he didn’t ask me to change my name to his when we got married. I could tell it was really important to him, and admired how he was willing to forego even such a small want for me. I decided to give up my beloved crazy name to take his. He was so excited! It seemed like such a small thing to give him in return for all he had given up for me.
Have you ever considered what surnames mean in a marriage?
Let’s review three basic factors to consider about changing surnames.
1. What practical considerations matter?
Often, spouses find it easier to have the same last name when it comes to things like joint bank accounts, car titles, insurance, etc. Put plainly: it’s easier to navigate the adult world when you have the same last name. It doesn’t leave much room for confusion to outside agencies. If you value ease and clarity, this is definitely something you’ll want to take into account.
Keep in mind, you still have to change all your papers and files upon getting married, including social security cards, driver’s licenses, insurances, and all that jazz. (Each comes with a specific timeline attached to your wedding date, by the way, so poke around to find out how much time you have to complete each change.) Have you talked about these things with your fiancé?
2. What do last names mean to you both?
Many couples value the unity symbolized by an official name change. It is often viewed as a tradition, offering a very concrete announcement to the outside world that two are now one. But technically, it is not a sacramental part of a Catholic marriage.
On the flip side is my parents, who brought a different perspective. My mom loved her last name because it represented the Irish side of her family, and wanted to bring that heritage into her marriage—and my dad thought it was just fine. Similarly, when my sister waffled on whether to change her name, her fiancé offered to change his name to hers instead. He reasoned it didn’t matter what their last name was, as long as they shared it in unity. Since surnames really don’t make any difference to a sacramental marriage, how and why you keep or change your last name is completely a personal choice. What matters is what you and your fiancé value in your names.
3. Could this be a point of contention in the future?
Last but not least, consider whether or not your choices here could result in a long-lasting tension, however minor. Much like any other decision, a couple must learn to properly communicate their preferences. If switching your name (or not) would bother one of you, speak up with clarity and charity! Keeping quiet about something that’s important to you, even if it seems silly, could plant seeds of resentment. Sow communication seeds instead.
Also, as a small insert here: peek a little further than your spouse for sources of tension. Is there an in-law or relative who sets a lot of stock by a specific name changing tradition or something? A disgruntled in-law could cause some tension down the road. Obviously, do not let anyone else’s opinion take control of your marriage choices, ever. Just be aware of extended family stressors. Consider, as a couple, whether someone’s reaction would bother you, AND whether changing your plans to avoid a reaction would bother you. Decide together: it doesn’t matter how Aunt Sally feels about you, but it does matter how you feel about Aunt Sally.
Maybe you’re one of the ones with twenty letters to sign on each check, and can’t wait for a shorter name. Maybe you don’t want to let go of the one you have. Maybe you want to choose a new one entirely because the sound of “Whittaker” resonates with you. Whatever it is, the main thing is to communicate with your betrothed about it.
And don’t worry too much! In the words of Shakespeare, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” A name is just a name, letters are just letters. What’s important is how you love each other and the marriage you are building to glorify God.
