There's no denying that this is a difficult calling.
When you are raising kids as a single Catholic there are as many different issues that come up as there are different situations created. One of the ongoing features of our new life as a single-parent family was what I affectionately call “the schedule”.
In the beginning, I felt strongly that “the schedule” was an infringement on my time with my daughters. Also, in my mind, it unfairly forced them to have to get used to living in two different places so that they would never feel like they were ever at home.
After years have passed, I now see this more like my own bias and not something that ever came from them. I remember, at the time, feeling like pulling my hair out because it seemed like nothing ever stayed the same for more than two weeks at a time. In looking back, I realize what a blessing this continually changing schedule actually was for my daughters.
My daughters were 10 and 8 when my marriage fell apart.
They had friends, planned activities, and their school already in place. I was determined that as few of these as possible would suffer from the new normal of a rotating visitation schedule. One positive I can identify from this time is that their father did not go to war over the schedule. He was actually very accommodating.
Because the girls were involved in so many activities, he was willing to work with me to adjust the schedule accordingly, and this seemed to happen every few weeks. I saw that as the true blessing that it was. I had heard many stories from other divorced moms and I was grateful for his willingness to work with me on this.
To start, the schedule was imposed by the court to be 2 evenings a week and every other weekend. These were specific days though I don’t remember which right now. Given the girls’ activity level, the 2 evenings per week gave us the biggest challenge. At the start, we did not deviate from this plan at all, but as time went on, their father could see the need for some flexibility in this regard. After some time, we settled on a weeknight visit that lasted longer and rarely got shuffled around, and the rotating weekend.
One of the strategies I tried to follow was to head off any invitations that would fall on the days that they were supposed to stay with their dad unless it was a particularly special occasion like a birthday party. I worked hard to make sure that the usual play dates and various social things would fall on the days that I would have them so there wouldn’t be too much angst in my working relationship with their father. I communicated my request to various parents to please direct invites through me rather than letting any kids go directly to the girls.
This tactic worked for a time....until they grew up.
Then my girls got jobs. The difficulty with this was that I did not let them get their license until they were just about 18 because I couldn’t afford the car insurance for two teen drivers. And so, the schedule then became an almost daily changing event. One positive that came from this work situation was that both of my daughters ended up working at a local assisted living/nursing home facility which was within walking distance of their father’s new home.
This shifted the dynamic a bit and it was convenient for them to spend more time over there. They would stop by either on the way in or out of work or between shifts. It also proved to be a good landing place when I was still needing to do the bulk of the driving. It seems to me that all this helped to take some sting out of the fact that their lives were growing busier and they generally spent less time there.
Many people have different ways of working out the scheduling changes and shifts. My recommendation is to always consider what is the best and most realistic option based on the ages of the children and their activities. If you have a difficult situation in this regard, pray for the openness of your child’s other parent. And do everything you can to keep every interaction focused on your children and not how it affects you.
