Got Kids? Avoid These 4 Common Mistakes Single Parents Make When Dating

The single parent population is growing, according to the experts, and in my own experience, I would say this is true. I know single parents who have lost their spouse through death and divorce and are left to raise the children on their own. I know single parents who, out of responsibility and compassion, have actually stepped in to help in a troublesome family situation and are raising their neice, nephew, or grandchild as their own child. And of course, statistics show that more and more millenials are having children before marriage these days.

No matter what the scenario, there usually comes a time when a single parent doesn't want to be single anymore and begins to actively seek a new relationship. Dating with children raises many important questions: When is the right time to introduce my child to the person I'm dating? What if they don't like him or her? What will they think of me with someone who isn't their parent?

Since you want dating and finding someone special to be a positive thing in your life, you can avoid certain mistakes single parents commonly make that will help dating be a positive experience for everyone, particularly if you are widowed or divorced.

1. Don't introduce someone new before your child(ren) is ready.

Whether your children are little, teenagers, or adults, you want to make sure the time is right to introduce someone you’re dating to them. Introducing someone new, especially to little ones, can backfire if they’re not ready for it. Your children want to feel safe and secure with you, and bringing a stranger into the picture when they're not ready will put them on guard and could reverse a lot of the work you’ve put in helping them heal after losing his or her parent.

Make sure your children are prepared to see you with someone other than your spouse by discussing their feelings about the situation one-on-one and asking them open-ended questions that prompt them to tell you how they feel.

2. Don't get upset if they don't share your enthusiasm.

Kids want their biological parents to be together no matter what. This has been proven many times and underscores why children have such a difficult time accepting a new adult filling the role of mom or dad.

Losing a spouse due to death or divorce takes quite a toll on a child of any age, even though popular wisdom says they merely bounce back and are okay. They bounce back because they feel secure in their routines, but never doubt the emotions inside them are definitely there; kids just have a difficult time expressing them. Keeping the lines of communication between you and your child(ren) open and consistent are key.

3. Don't give them the wrong ideas about dating.

Romantic dating serves a distinct purpose; to find out whether you and your date are suitable for marriage. It's very important, for kids—especially teenagers—to have the right ideas about dating. So, if you are a single parent who is dating, you have a great opportunity to be a living example of how to date the right way.

Take advantage of the opportunities to show them how to treat their dates with respect, especially in being chaste. If they see Mom or Dad doing it the right way, even if others are not, that example speaks volumes and will help them in their future relationships.

4. Make sure you're truly available to date.

Whether or not you're widowed or divorced, have you taken the time to heal from your loss? If you're divorced, have you been through the annulment process and received a decree of nullity stating you're free to marry? These are critical steps to take that will help your next relationship be successful. Why?

First, because there are no shortcuts to healing. Don't use dating as a pain reliever. This is unhealthy for anyone involved in a relationship and definitely not a step toward a solid, long term relationship. Make sure your heart is ready to be given away.

Second, the wounded heart attaches easily. Trying to form an attachment before the heart is strong and ready for that kind of commitment only compounds the wounded-ness.

Last, but certainly not least, all marriages are considered to be valid/sacramental unless proven otherwise by the annulment process. If you are a widow or widower, this is not an issue for you. But if you’re divorced, this is key. You may have a civil divorce decree and your marriage may be considered dissolved in the eyes of the state, but the Church still considers you married. Only the annulment process can determine whether a valid bond existed between you and your ex-spouse.

Finding a new relationship should be fun and exciting. By operating within these parameters and any other precautions you see fit to put in place, your child(ren) will find it to be a positive experience as well.