Dating can be a tormenting process for those who struggle in vain to find “the one.”
Popular books, movies, and TV have given an entire generation of young people the impression that, somewhere out there, they’ll find a “soulmate”—the one and only person who can make them happy. According to Hollywood, some instant chemistry with the aforementioned soulmate will alert you to the fact that you’ve found “the one.” You and your soulmate will live a life that is remarkably synchronized, anticipating one another’s thoughts and complementing each other’s traits like two puzzle pieces that fit together seamlessly.
You’ll perfectly complete one another.
Now, if such a version of romance were true, then dating would be an agonizing process.
If there really was only one person out there with whom you could hope to be happy, and it all depended on you finding and identifying that person, then you’d face a lot of pressure. And you’d have extremely long odds of forming a good marriage, something like 1 in several billion (the number of total prospective spouses in the world).
A faulty understanding of how we discern God’s will can aggravate the problem and add to the confusion. We sometimes think that discerning God’s will is a bit like a guessing game, with only one correct answer. While there’s some truth to that picture, it’s very incomplete and misleading. And while we should try to discern God’s will, of course, in all things, we also need to avoid the extremes of scrupulosity.
The reality is that God leaves us free to choose from among good options, and, mysteriously, His providence works through our choices.
So in some sense, it is both true that you’re free to choose your spouse and, at the same time, God does have someone in mind for you.
But the idea that God has someone in mind for you shouldn’t be paralyzing, but rather freeing, because you know that, if you approach the issue earnestly and prayerfully, God will guide you toward a good (and free) choice.
Don’t just take my word for it. The Catholic Encyclopedia, which received an imprimatur and nihil obstat in 1912, says this about making decisions in life: “For the general conduct of life, we know that God, while guiding man, leaves him free to act, that all good actions are graces of God, and at the same time free acts.”
In other words, there’s a beautiful symbiotic relationship between God’s grace and our choice, between His providence and our free will.
It’s also comforting to know that God can draw good out of our decisions even when they’re imperfect or mistaken in some way. “Whatever his profession or condition, man is not abandoned by Providence,” the Encyclopedia adds.
The Encyclopedia also states, “States of life are freely chosen and at the same time providentially given by God.” This principle, regarding the choice between pursuing a married life, single life, religious life, or the priesthood, can also reasonably be applied to the choice of a spouse, as a spouse is “freely chosen and at the same time providentially given by God.”
All of this aligns with the words of the wise J.R.R. Tolkien, in a letter he wrote to his son in 1941:
“When the glamour [of romantic attraction] wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think they have made a mistake, and that the real soulmate is still to find. The real soulmate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only. . . Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the 'real soulmate' is the one you are actually married to.” [My emphasis.]
What Tolkien outlines here is that once you’re married, you can be sure about who your “soulmate” is: it’s the person that you’ve freely chosen and providentially received from God—even if (and this is key) that person has imperfections (and we all do), and even if it’s theoretically possible that you could have made a “better” choice.
In short, we aim to make the best choice we can, but you can have a happy, holy, and successful marriage without having made a “perfect” choice. And after marriage, there’s no need to look for that elusive soulmate. They’re right by your side.
The scientific literature, too, has shown that the effort you put into a relationship is a better predictor of its success than how perfectly compatible you are with your significant other.
To be sure, none of this means that every potential date would make an equally suitable spouse. And it’s still essential to practice prudence and invest in prayer when discerning. But we can relieve ourselves of the burden of thinking that only one person in the world could make us happy, or that God will be displeased with us unless we choose a particular, specific individual, or that our marriage will fail when we realize our spouse isn’t perfect.
Most importantly, we know that God will not withhold His grace from any couple that sincerely seeks it.
