By the time a person is in high school, a large percentage of his or her thoughts circle around members of the opposite sex and the dream of romance. We are naturally wired to feel an intense attraction to members of the opposite sex and a poignant longing for some kind of romantic relationship. In itself, this is a good thing–it’s part of God’s design for bringing about marriages, families, and the flourishing of society as a whole. It’s also an invitation to mystery and beauty, since we sense in members of the opposite sex something mysterious, different, and beautiful. That turn of the heart toward mystery and beauty is a healthy instinct that should lead us, ultimately, to the unfathomable mystery and unspeakable beauty that is God.
Still, it’s possible for our natural interest in a romantic relationship to completely take over our lives in an unhealthy way. Since they’re still developing a sense of their own identity, teenagers are particularly susceptible to allowing a relationship to define them, to the point that they can’t conceptualize who they are apart from the specific romantic relationship they’re currently engaged in. This can happen with older people, too.
Why is this?
Partly, it has to do with mass entertainment, which tends to present a romantic relationship as the fulfillment of all the longings of the human heart. Popular movies and novels present an image of romance in which each person “can’t be whole” without their romantic partner, their “one-and-only” soulmate. We’re very drawn to this idea of a relationship in which the man and woman “complete one another” and cannot live without each other. Our hearts’ yearning for deep self-giving, connection, communion, unity, and love makes this idea of romance appealing.
And, of course, there’s some truth to this image. In a good marriage, the man and woman do enter into a beautiful symbiotic relationship. They become part of something bigger than either one of them individually–the marriage–and they find a great measure of joy and fulfillment in one another.
Are you whole without a romantic partner?
It's a mistake to think that a person can’t be whole without a romantic partner. To think that one’s identity rests solely in romance, or that it’s impossible to live a meaningful existence when you’re single is erroneous.
Moreover, that attitude can actually undermine your chances of having a successful relationship and eventual marriage. In an ironic sort of way, it can actually drive a potential spouse away if they sense that you cannot be happy without them. To act as if you’ve bet your entire life and your very sense of self on the success of this relationship puts a lot of pressure on the other person!
Further, in a good marriage, each spouse gives himself or herself to the other. But you must have something to give! In other words, you must know who you are, independent of the other person, before you can give that as a gift to them. You must know–at least to some extent–what you believe in, where you come from, where you’re going, what your passions and convictions are, and how you stand before God. If your entire identity is “I am someone engaged in a romantic relationship,” then the relationship almost becomes circular. You’re giving yourself simply for the sake of giving yourself.
Are you giving yourself simply out of a desire for validation?
It is natural for us to want to be approved of by others. And it’s true that entering a relationship can provide a certain healthy boost in our self-esteem. But if we’re seeking a relationship solely for that reason, solely to feel better about ourselves–to be convinced that we are, in fact, cool, trendy, smart, attractive, etc.–then that’s a selfish reason to seek romance. And we might need to become more confident in ourselves before entering such a relationship–not only because confidence of the right kind is attractive, but because, again, it’s not fair to use other people purely to puff up a deflated self-esteem.
It can be very tempting to seek out romance in order to be convinced that we are lovable, which is one of the deepest needs of the human heart. That desire might be even more intense if we come from a difficult background, where love was in some way lacking. And I don’t mean to downplay the psychologically and emotionally healing effect that romance can have, under the right circumstances.
There is only one solid way to become convicted of our own lovableness: to look at the cross with the crucified Savior on it.
Jesus Christ gave Himself to us, submitted to the horrifying death on the cross, because He loves us and finds us lovable. In that knowledge, we can find a strong and abiding identity, and the right kind of self-esteem. In order to be truly adults in a romantic relationship, we first need to know at the core of our being that we are children of God.
Why God loves us is a beautiful mystery. It isn’t because we’re strong, or smart, or wealthy, or free of imperfections. On the contrary, God sees in us far more imperfections than we’re aware of ourselves. Yet, in spite of them, He loves us tenderly and will do so no matter what. As He told us in Zechariah 2:8: “for he that toucheth you, toucheth the apple of my eye.” Salvation history is one long story of God proving His passionate fidelity to us.
Whether you have romantic success or not, whether you are single or in a relationship, you always have this invitation to an eternal and abiding love. And you can have this sense of identity: you are who you are because God loves you and drew you out of nothingness into being.
That, I think, is the sure ground that we can always fall back on when we become afraid of losing this person we care for. God's love for us unfailingly gives our life meaning. Finally, it provides the model for us to learn how to truly love another person, in spite of his or her imperfections, as Christ loves us.
