When You Have No Choice But To Divorce

I recently received this email from a CatholicMatch member and thought it was worth writing about because I know many other people find themselves in this same predicament and would find it helpful to hear someone else's perspective:

I am recently divorced after a 26-year marriage that was never right from the start. I convinced myself that I "had to make it work," and spent 26 years in misery, married to an emotionally abusive man. Eventually, I was the one who left, it was an incredibly difficult decision to make. Paradoxically, my divorce has strengthened my relationship with God. I'm currently going through the annulment process, hopefully that will help even more. I've been reading a lot of materials that you have put out on the web, both on this site and others. It has been very helpful, from the spiritual and pragmatic points of view. What I have seen on all Catholic sites though, is that the emotional pieces are all written from the viewpoint of the person that "was left." They all sound as if the person that left did so easily. I find them to be hurtful. I would really like to see some exploration of the leaving parties viewpoint. It is not always easy for us either. I understand that there are quite a few people that leave for selfish reasons. I left in order to give my children a safe place away from their father. Staying with him was the selfish part, it was so hard to think about leaving. Yet now I look at my three children and see the emotional scars that they bear. Divorce is always complicated, and painful. It would be nice to see some support for those that do the leaving too.

I know for people who have never been through a divorce, whether they were the one who left or who were left, a situation like the one described above may be difficult to reconcile in regard to the permanency of marriage the Church holds as sacred, and this is understandable. So, if you put yourself in the shoes of someone who is actually in that situation, you can imagine the mental and emotional anguish one goes through when having to make a decision to leave.

At one point when I was leading my Journey of Hope divorce support program in a local parish, I came to know one of the participants who had been faced with the same challenge. Her husband regularly used illegal substances and drank excessively to the point that he couldn't keep a job and began physically abusing her. He refused to change his ways, so she filed for divorce and left. One night, she approached me in tears and said, "I just want to know that God is not ashamed of me." Of course, I assured her God was not ashamed of her, but on the contrary, loved her and was very close to her as she carried her cross. It's so important for people like Wendy and the author of the email to know where they stand with God and the Church.

What does the Catholic Church teach? The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops issued a statement titled, “When I Call For Help: A Pastoral Response To Domestic Violence Against Women” that addresses this issue and offers answers to the questions surrounding abusive marriages. In the introduction to the document it states:

The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, “How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?” The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. While violence can be directed towards men, it tends to harm women and children more.

It further states:

Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing.

Especially as we prepare for the Jubilee Year of Mercy that will begin this December, it's good to know these details so we can begin helping those who are divorced to heal.

Got questions? Email me at asklisa@catholicmatch.com.