Do I Need to Remain Chaste When I'm Married?

Editor’s Note: In preparation for the World Meeting of Families (WMOF) in September, CatholicMatch Institute is excited to present a series from the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth. Each post will offer reflections from the preparatory catechesis Love is Our Mission: The Family Fully Alive. I will be co-presenting at the WMOF with CatholicMatch CEO and co-founder, Brian Barcaro and CatholicMatch Institute contributor, Danielle Bean! We’ll be presenting on the topic, “Where is This Relationship Going? Dating as Discernment.” In this sixth post in the series we will take a look at the fourth chapter of the catechesis, Two Become One. Read the entire series here.

One of my married friends likes to say that marriage is an unrelenting demand to put others first. That’s because marriage is the union where a man and a woman—“the two”—become “one” (see Genesis 2:24). Self-giving is at the heart of marriage. Chapter Four of the catechism for the 2015 World Meeting of Families (WMOF) shines a light on this biblical teaching.

Love, as many would agree, is central to marriage. “Married love,” however, is “more than romance” (no. 55). It’s not that romance is bad; it’s actually quite good, even exhilarating. It’s just that romance does not represent the full reality of love. Romance is only a tiny fruit of love, more like the frosting on a cake. Love, as God intends for marriage, is more.

Married love calls husband and wife to move out of the tight confines of their individual egos and blend their lives, hopes, dreams, and desires. Marriage requires that spouses share the unique gifts of their masculinity and femininity. The Church recognizes marriage as a vocation. It is a specific call from God to love in a nuptial manner, that is, in a way that builds the one-flesh union and is in service to life.

Living married love well is not automatic. Husband and wife will need to rely on God’s grace and consciously cultivate and live the Christian virtues, especially mercy and chastity (no. 62). It may be easy to see how mercy is part of marriage. After all, forgiveness is essential to all good relationships, especially marriage! The benefit of chastity, however, may not be so clear. The WMOF Catechism offers a helpful thought: “Chastity forms the good habits of self-denial and self-control, which are prerequisites for treating others with mercy” (no. 62). We can understand this benefit of chastity more deeply by looking to the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him [which]… ensures the unity of the person, it is opposed to any behavior that would impair it (Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 2338).

 It fosters respect and ensures that people do not treat each other as objects. Chastity helps people understand the meaning of human sexuality and the gift of procreation. It enables husband and wife to love each other with respect, joy and reverence since it assists in sexual self-control. It enables spouses to speak the nuptial language of the body (a language of total self-gift and openness to life).

Chastity fosters generosity. It helps spouses avoid any action that would assault their persons or the nature of marriage. So, for example, the chaste couple does not use contraception or pornography. Contraception falsifies the nuptial language of the body and assaults the gift of fertility, while pornography degrades their persons and mocks God’s design for married love.

In considering the nature of married love it is important to remember my friend’s words—marriage is an unrelenting demand to put others first! The nature of married love insists that husband and wife give themselves to each other, selflessly, totally, and for the whole of life. Building a strong marriage is a life-long process and the human ego can be difficult to tame. That’s why practicing the Christian virtues can be helpful to ensure that “the two” will “become one!”

What are some practical suggestions singles can do now to practice putting others first?

As singles, many of us live alone and are used to following our own schedules and getting our own stuff done before all else. Heck, we don’t even have to wait to get that second helping of ice cream—we can eat it right out of the box because no one else is around! Even if one has roommates, we may organize our lifestyle by parsing out tasks and dividing up the square footage of the refrigerator. In this context, it is easy to forget what it was like to live in a family where thinking of the needs of others is a prerequisite.

If we consciously practice little exercises of consideration on a daily basis, we can do what is within our power to shift our focus from our own lives to thinking a little more often of others. So for example, how often do I wait to hold the door for someone when entering a building or room? When I’m driving, am I an aggressive driver or do I practice common courtesy? How about volunteering for a good cause, why can’t I share my time with others? Am I involved in any ministry in my parish?

What advice would you give to singles struggling in the area of chastity?

Chastity requires that we know who we are—strengths, interests (especially what attracts our interest), and weaknesses. It also requires that we understand how God created us as men and women, what the meaning of sex is about, the nature of marriage, and probably the simplest, and maybe most challenging—“avoid the near occasion of sin” (we pray that in the Act of Contrition).

With regard to avoiding sin: if you know that you have little control over your emotions and actions when drinking wine and listening to soft jazz, don’t do it when you are with a person you are attracted to! Or, if watching a sexually steamy show on HBO has you thinking about sex, don’t watch it! In fact, avoid all forms of pornography!

If in a relationship, try to find those ways of being with the one you love where you can respect God’s gifts and your limitations. And, you don’t have to do this alone—tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you want to live chastely before marriage. If they are a person of integrity, they will honor and support you.

Finally, keep a lively relationship with the Lord God. Rely on His help when you are at your weakest!

What practical suggestions would you give for the newlywed couple or for the married couple that is having a hard time "taming the ego?"

 Married couples should have this the easiest. Their love is the “one flesh union.” They should be able to look at each other and realize the preciousness of the gift. In other words, in their married lives they should not say: “What can you do for me?” They should say: “What can I do for you?” Another way to express this is, don’t think “I,” think “Us.” Not “me,” but “we.” If married couples could consciously practice this mentality without squashing individual talents and desires, they will grow together as a couple.

Action

• Pay attention to your neighbors—is there someone who lives alone and needs a helping hand? Do you have an elderly relative who needs a visitor? When you call your mother, father, brother, sister, ask them about what is going on in their lives and listen.
• Make a decision and promise the Lord God that you will avoid ___________ (fill in the blank) to honor and protect His gift of human sexuality.
• Ask your spouse what he or she wants to do for the weekend and do it.