Divorce Does Not Have to Ruin Your Holiday Season

For the divorced, the holidays can bring a sense of emotional strain.

It was mid-November of 2015 when I came to the prayerful decision that I could no longer stay in my marriage. I moved back home with my parents the weekend before Thanksgiving. Shortly after the New Year, I filed for divorce and began the legal proceedings.

I look back and think the holidays that year were so strange. I felt lost, almost numb, realizing what this all would mean for me and how would I even begin to navigate it all.

I remember that year on Thanksgiving and Christmas, I felt all kinds of feelings. It was hard, sad, and lonely. I had friends in a support group that encouraged me to reach out to connect via text or over the phone, even if it meant they had to briefly step away from their own family celebrations.

I just wanted to get through the holidays that year, and while it was painful, I did.

There are many painful “firsts” as you navigate and build a new life after a divorce: the first set of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. However painful your divorce situation is, it does not have to ruin or dictate the entire holiday season for you.

You can thrive, not just survive the holidays as a divorced man or woman.

You may wonder how you will ever make it through the next day, week, or month without losing your sanity. I have been through this before—actually going on five years of holidays being divorced, so I can understand what you may be feeling.

Here are a few suggestions for you that have helped me get through the holidays during that time, especially in the beginning and when it was most painful.

Name how you are feeling (honestly!).

My counselor has had to remind me over the years that feelings are just feelings; they are neither good nor bad, but just an indication of something deeper going on that needs to be addressed. Do not try to numb yourself or ignore when painful, messy feelings come up. Hold them up to the light of Jesus and name them in His presence. When we name something for what it is, it can take away some of its power and the negative energy we are experiencing.

If you feel sad or angry, name it and do not try to downplay or minimize what you are feeling in the moment. If you feel joyful or happy and are having a good time being with people, name that. Be grateful for the bright moments as you work through the waves of grief and sadness.

The process will not look the same for everyone and that is okay. Remember to let your feelings come up as you feel them. You can and will get through the more difficult days. And yes, over time it will get easier for you.

Count your blessings; name what you are grateful for.

Gratitude is not just something to talk about during the month of November, but a life-changing practice that can be beneficial in all stages of life.

As I began to build and imagine a new life after divorce, my counselor gave me an assignment of keeping a gratitude journal for a period of time. I set a timer each day for 5 or 10 minutes and wrote down all the blessings of that day, all things I was grateful for in my life. Slowly and in time, my heart began to change.

I began to see in the most painful, dark experience of my life so far, God was still showing up. I could still find beauty, goodness, and joy. I think this practice can be helpful to anyone navigating a difficult experience, but especially divorce.

Count your daily gratefuls and be amazed by what God will show you.

Balance your time being alone and being social.

Sometimes being at family gatherings or office parties can leave you feeling like you have to show up with a smile on your face. Perhaps you feel like you to come to social events having “it all together” on the outside. That can leave you feeling exhausted, lonely, or misunderstood. However, not engaging with friends and family can be unhealthy for your emotional health as well.

It is important to remember you need equal amounts of alone time and social time. Both are important in your healing and as you develop a new life for yourself. Trust your heart and listen to your body telling you what you need to do right now. Be patient and kind to yourself as you find what rhythm is best for you.

Whether this upcoming holiday season is your first or sixth as a divorced Catholic, it does not have to ruin the holidays for you.

Is there anything else that has been helpful to you as you navigate this in your own life?