4 Ways To Promote Authentic Married Love

A recent conversation with a friend of my youngest son took me off guard. His heart was shattered

after breaking it off with his girlfriend. He wanted to know why he wasn’t finding the woman of his

dreams. After listening to his story, my heart also crumbled.

You see, this polished, young professional came from a home void of authentic married love which

means he didn’t have a tried and true example to lean on. This doesn’t mean he won’t find a lifelong

marriage, but it does mean he may go through more relationship struggles than the average guy.

To will the good of another

My mind returned to the summer of 2014, when our youngest son married his best friend. As they

spoke their vows and became husband and wife, the congregation witnessed an overwhelming

display of love. Even though they radiated pleasure and joy, both of them cried as they promised to

be faithful through the ups and downs of married life. Their tears revealed an understanding that

authentic married love involves more than just sentimentality; an understanding that they had

learned growing up.

To will the good of another is different from fleeting physical pleasure or amassing possessions. It is

not the same as the sense of accomplishment that comes from power or importance. Willing the good

of another is a desire to go beyond oneself in order to provide a greater good for someone else. Seen

in this way, authentic married love is a mystery; something that is very difficult to explain.

Our son learned about the mystery of married love as he watched my husband and I navigate our

marriage during his childhood and teenage years. Our love story prepared him for his Sacramental

Marriage. As imperfect as our witness was, it was the perfect way for him to learn how to become a

sincere and total gift of self. Let me explain.

Our witness

Early into our marriage, he watched the two of us sacrifice and suffer through our differences. He

learned how stubborn we both could be. Yet, he also observed how our struggles resulted in joint

decision, flexibility and a growing awareness to let go and let God.

As the family grew, he witnessed us die to oneself for the good of the family; spending money on kids

clothing rather than on a date night; replacing couple downtime with bedtime routines; giving up

sleep to finish our work or tend to sickness. These sacrifices taught him that loving spouses valued

“we” more than “me.”

He noticed that the teenage years could bring a marriage to the brink of calamity. He saw how hard

we worked to become unified against the formidable opposition of youthful independence. He

quickly learned that even the most demanding school schedules and young adult desires were no

match for a couple living out a Sacramental marriage.

But the best witness came when he left the nest and we were faced with the reality that it was just us

again with (dare I even say it) a realization that we may have forgotten how to will each other’s good.

For years we had expended our human capital on our children without saving much for each other.

And now, with no one home, he wondered if we could handle a slower schedule and quiet evenings.

This is when he saw us revive our dating days of just “being” together rather than “doing” anything.

Just like our son and his new bride, we didn’t know what mystery God intended for us the day we

professed our vows.

We certainly didn’t suspect that our marriage could be such a powerful witness for our children and

so many others.

A call to action

As marriage ministers, we’ve all heard stories like this. When we encounter these situations, we need

to be moved into some concrete actions:

1. Reflect on your ability to respond compassionately and reveal God’s plan for marriage. (Take the time to read chapter four of The Joy of Love by Pope Francis)

2. Be willing to accompany those you are ministering to as they seek real love. Offer to buy them a

coffee and learn more about them and the rest of their story. Listen to them.

3. Invite them over and introduce them to the “real love” that plays out in your home. Let them see

how you and your spouse find joy in being married. Witness is a powerful teacher.

4. Offer resources, like this or this, that will help them move forward on their relationship journey.

Between all of us, there must be plenty of ways to reveal God’s plan for married love to those seeking

it.

Do you have a strategy that has worked for you? If you do, let me know! Then, sign up to receive my

newsletter here (just enter your email and select the church leaders box).